Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 89023 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89023 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
I’m shaking my head through all of that. “No. I can’t see shit.”
He laughs. And to my surprise, so do I. “Of course not. I didn’t mean literally. Do you understand that if there is no time there is no… living? There are no experiences here, Little Baby. You are nothing but a bit of purple mist. Reach down and touch yourself.”
“What?”
“Anywhere. Your arm, your stomach where my Dark Baby lives. Anywhere.”
“This is a real thing? You want me to touch myself.”
“I do.”
I let out a breath and reach down to my stomach. I don’t want to because the thought of that baby being inside me is…
There’s nothing there. There’s just air. I wave my hand in the air, trying to find myself, but I am not here! “What the hell is going on? I’m invisible!”
“No,” Josep says, in that calm, deep voice of his. “You’re not invisible, you simply don’t exist.”
“But that’s impossible! I’m thinking thoughts, so obviously I have a brain!”
“Not a brain, Little Baby. A consciousness. Weren’t you listening? You are nothing but a consciousness. That’s what it means to live in the Darkness. You are nothing but ideas. And while it can be fun for a short period of time, it will drive you insane. You see, when we are nothing but Darkness, we don’t exist. We can’t feel anything. We can’t express ourselves. And we certainly can’t drink blood and fuck, which… I mean, that’s pretty much the best part of having a body, don’t you agree?”
“Well… I guess.”
“You guess?”
“Sure.” I sigh. “Yeah. Blood-drinking is pretty fun. And so is fucking. So. All right. I’ll give you this point.”
“We don’t want to live here in the Darkness, do we?”
“No. I completely agree. I do not want to stay here one moment longer than I have to. In fact, I want to leave right now.”
“Of course you do. We crave existence. Everything does, really.”
“So how do I get out?”
“In the beginning, before I thought it through, I was planning on leaving you here. Forcing you to find your power and all that growth bullshit humans like to brag about. But that’s not a gift. That would be making you work for it and a gift is something you give freely. So I’m going to teach you, Little Baby. And I want you to know that I have never told a single other soul how to do these things.”
“Not even Paul?”
He laughs. “Paul doesn’t wait for explanations. Paul is a force. He plows forward like a bull, crashing his horns into anything and everything that gets in his way. He never needed my help. But no, even if he did, I wouldn’t have obliged. Power isn’t something you teach, it’s something you learn.”
“Well, you just said you’re going to teach me, so…”
“I’m going to teach you the ‘what,’ not the ‘how.’ But you don’t need the ‘how’ because you’re with me. I’m your ‘how,’ Little Baby.”
I blow out a breath that only happens in my mind. But I understand what he’s not saying just as well as I do what he is. He wants me to know him through his power. This is a very typical thing in a controlling relationship. And I’ve been in quite a few of those, so I’m on guard here. He wants me to need him. So no, he’s not going to teach me how to get out of the Darkness. He’s going to take me. So I am in debt to him.
But, of course, I don’t say any of that out loud. He can read my thoughts, anyway. “So… are you trying to tell me that I’m special?”
“Yes.” And even though he hasn’t got a face and I don’t have to see it, I hear him smiling. “I understand—at least, I’m trying to understand—that what happened to you… what I did to you… it was…”
“Unconscionable? Abusive? Evil?”
“No. It was careless. And I care for you, Little Baby. So I’m going to make up for my misguided actions when you took my Darkness into yourself.”
If I had eyebrows, they’d be hiked up on my forehead right now. “Misguided actions? And did you just blame me for what you did?”
“Did I?”
“Yes! That was a rhetorical question. Look.” I sigh. “I get it. You’re in control. You’re the big, powerful Darkness. You’re the insane vampire. And I’m a high school dropout with pink hair who gave up my eternal soul because Lucia wanted to fuck my boyfriend and make him drink her and I was so insecure, and my self-image so damaged, that I would rather get in on that and follow him to a vampire’s lair into the pit of Hell, Montana, and become a halfbreed than be alone. But I”—I point to myself. Well, I would, if I had hands and a body—“I am not responsible for what you put me through. And if you think I don’t remember? And I’ll just forgive and forget because I’m carrying your stupid Dark Baby? Well.” I huff out some air. “You’re mistaken, mister. I might be a coward, and a dropout, and a pathetic example of an empowered woman—but you know what else I am? A grudge holder. And you’re not getting out of this that easy. I’m damaged! Damaged! And I… hate you.”