Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 94678 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94678 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
In my heart, I have to believe Mikhail didn’t mean the words he spoke. Alcohol was making him ballsy, and his heartache added a touch of cruelty his usually free-going nature rarely displays.
Furthermore, I don’t mind taking his wrath if it will spare those undeserving of it.
Zoya is a recent recruit for this circus, and as much as I can see how much she cares for Mikhail, the love a woman has for her soulmate far exceeds the lengths she will go to for her family.
I gave proof of that only an hour ago.
For years, I’ve prayed to go back and change my mother’s work environment to a less smoky, less dangerous setting.
Tonight, I only wished to go back ten years instead of thirty.
The bathroom door creaks open, and I quickly wipe my cheeks to ensure they’re dry before stilling my erratic breaths. The room is pitch black, but I know Mikhail senses my presence before he leaves the bathroom.
As he stares at the lump of my body under the bedding, I silently pray that he won’t kick me out. The embarrassment that would cause after begging Kolya to let me sleep in the owner’s suite is too much to bear, so I won’t mention the heartbreak it would stir up.
After clearing his throat, Mikhail acts oblivious to my presence. He heads to the walk-in closet, his movements deliberate and detached. He dresses into slinky pajama pants and a plain white T-shirt before bandaging his foot at a dressing station in the closet.
I watch him like a hawk, my heart aching with guilt and regret. I want to tell him the truth, to explain that I didn’t break his heart—his brother did. But I am a woman who keeps her word, even when it feels like it is clutching my heart, strangling it of blood.
Once dressed, Mikhail slips into the bed next to me, and silence stretches between us like an unbridgeable chasm.
We lay still for several long minutes, my decision making a mess of my stomach. It twists and turns as often as Mikhail does as he endeavors to get comfortable.
His breathing, slow and steady, makes the quiet even more unbearable. The room feels colder than usual, or maybe it’s just me. Building the courage to face your fears head-on is as chilling as it gets. It makes sense as to why Mikhail never finalized the last dozen miles to Lidny.
As time slowly ticks by, I stare at the ceiling, blinking back tears. The room is dark and silent, incomparable to the cluster of confusion in my head.
Scenarios race through my mind, each one more troubling than the last. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in over my head, that I don’t have what it takes to help Mikhail move past his hurt anymore.
It used to be so easy to talk to him. There was a time when there was nothing I couldn’t share. We would sit for hours, talking about everything and nothing, our conversations effortless. But now, it feels wrong. The words get stuck in my throat, and I can’t bring myself to say anything, not even an apology.
Even though I can’t see Mikhail’s eyes, I know the pain they hold and the hurt I caused them. But his suffering isn’t solely my fault. Andrik played a part in this too. I’m just the only one capable of picking up the pieces.
Or so I thought.
The guilt is overwhelming, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
Several long blinks later, I roll onto my side, trying to find a comfortable position, like the pain in my chest will eventually leave me alone.
What if Mikhail never forgives me? What if he finds out the truth and hates me even more? The fear is paralyzing, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.
The anger and betrayal in Mikhail’s eyes when he wished to erase our relationship make me choke on a sob. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting him from the truth, but all I’ve done is push him further away.
I don’t know how to fix this, how to make things right. It feels like I’m carrying the world on my shoulders, and the heaviness of the load is crushing.
I want to tell Mikhail the truth, to unburden myself of Andrik’s secret, but the fear of his reaction holds me back, not to mention the worry that he will lose more than just me when he retaliates.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing thoughts. It does me no good. The guilt and fear are too strong. I can’t keep this up for much longer. How can I pretend everything is okay when it isn’t close to that? My world is falling apart before my very eyes.