Total pages in book: 161
Estimated words: 149338 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 149338 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
Trying to push all the sadness that lived inside of her away.
The recital of Swan Lake for my class was only three days away, and I was beyond excited. I auditioned for the lead role of the white swan, and to my surprise I got it. I remember that day, running into my mom’s room, jumping into her bed to tell her my big news. She just smiled, pulling me in for a hug. Not saying a word.
I practiced all day and night, till all my steps were perfect. I wanted to make my mom proud of me. Maybe then she would come to more productions in the future.
She swore she would make it to this one. She wouldn’t miss it for the world, she said she couldn’t wait to see me on stage. This would be the very first time she would see me dance outside of our house. My stepdad on the other hand, never missed any of my shows, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t wait to have her there, sitting in the front row, watching all my hard work pay off.
I was on my way home from my rehearsal. I could hear them from the driveway before I made my way to the front steps. They were fighting again, calling each other names. Our house was small, so it didn’t take much for their shouting to echo off the walls into the night. No one came to pick me up once again. It was a normal occurrence. I wasn’t sure if they just forgot about me or just didn’t care how I made my way home. I was lucky enough to have one of the girl’s moms bring me home. It was a long walk in the dark for a girl my age.
I chose to believe the second one.
It hurt less that way, but not by much.
I went straight into my bedroom, not bothering to tell them I was home. They were too caught up in whatever argument they were having this time. I threw my bag on my bed and grabbed my ballet shoes. I scooted my dresser out of the way, transforming my room into a stage. Putting on my headphones to drown out their yelling coming through the thin walls.
I listened to Act II, XIV from Swan Lake, one of my solo pieces. Getting lost in the music, the intensity of the instruments vibrated through my core, translating into movements through my body. Turning each step into an extension of the music. Pirouetting in tight circles around the small space, gracefully stepping, leaping into the air effortlessly. The balls of my feet pounded into the floor in a quick pattern, getting ready for my big finish. Feeling as if I was one with the music. Sauté, step, arabesque, and pose. Repeating the steps over and over, until my bones ached and my joints were raw.
No pain, no gain.
It was the only time that happiness surrounded me.
The only time I felt free.
I was just about to go on piqué when I felt the front door slam, rattling the whole house. Breaking my concentration, and making me miss the next step. My toe slipped on the hard wood floor, causing my heel to fall awkwardly.
“Ouch!” I whimpered, catching my balance before I twisted my ankle.
I sat on the floor, removed my shoes, and stretched my ankle. I decided to call it a night, and headed straight for the shower. Hoping the warm water would loosen my sore muscles from all the rehearsing. I stayed in there until the water ran cold, changed into my nightshirt, and got ready for bed.
I still slept in my mom’s room, but not because I was scared any longer. It was our time together, just her and I. Usually, it was the most time we spent together all day. I looked forward to it. She would hold me in her arms all night, hugging me close. It was the only time I felt truly loved by her.
Taken care of and safe.
“Momma,” I whispered as I walked into her room. “Momma, you awake?” Tapping on her shoulder. “Momma.”
She startled. Turning over to face me, her eyes hazy and confused. “Hey… baby…”
“Can I sleep with you?”
She nodded, her eyes already shutting. She was always so tired even though all she did was sleep. She scooted over, opening her arms for me. I smiled, crawling toward her, nuzzling my body into the curve of hers. She immediately wrapped her arms around me, pressing my back firmly against her front as tight as she could. Like she always did.
She was so cold, her skin felt like ice. Not like the warm, comforting heat I was used to every night.
“Mom, why are you so cold?” I asked, shivering. Snuggling deeper into the blanket that was laying on top of us.