Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 86177 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 431(@200wpm)___ 345(@250wpm)___ 287(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86177 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 431(@200wpm)___ 345(@250wpm)___ 287(@300wpm)
“They didn’t save you. Why else?”
Jordyn’s brow furrowed. “Ugh. That was supposed to be my excuse. Not yours.”
“Why not?” I opened the first burrito and passed it back to Rebel. “You better not get my ride dirty.” I glanced at Jordyn. “Why can’t it be my excuse too?”
“Oh, I thought it was rhetorical.” She palmed her forehead. “Jamie, you’re an intelligent person, but I gather that some things just don’t connect with you. Which is a-okay in my book. They are your family. Your parents. Wait, don’t give me that look.”
My eyebrow lifted. “What look?”
“The one that seems like you want to retort, but you don’t know how to have a ‘tude.”
Again, I arched a brow.
“Attitude. Keep up. If this were a week ago, I wouldn’t be saying this. If this were a dream, I’d probably be trying to punch you right now. It would be one of those darn slugs where my arm hardly moves and doesn’t make contact.”
I nod. “Those are annoying.”
“Yes, they are. And guess what’s more annoying? The cycles I went through after you disappeared. Was the scrawny boy real—”
“I was not scraw—”
“Was he an angel? Then, crying because I didn’t want to be alone. Or the moments where I thanked my lucky stars that you no longer had to endure …” Her words trailed off with a croak. Jordyn kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet up into the passenger seat. Anxiety radiated from her in waves as she bounced a knee and toyed with a thick mass of hair by twining it around her fingers. “In those moments, while I felt excruciatingly alone beneath some man’s body, I …”
As she spoke, I attributed the tremor in her voice to nervousness at how honest she was being. The false front Jordyn preserved crumbled.
“In those moments,” she said again, “I was so happy for you. Happy you had parents who loved you, who’d look evil in the eye. They fought for you, Jamie. I’m guessing they’d still fight for you.” Her voice broke. “They love you. So, if you can have your lists. I’ll add that to my rules. No tickling me and no hating on your fam.”
“Okay.”
“Good. Your parents aside, when I wasn’t hating on you,” she said, smile bittersweet, “I was happy I knew someone who survived. I’m glad we reconnected. I’m glad you tell me things that I hadn’t noticed about myself.” She glanced at her worn palms. “You can be deep sometimes, Jamie. You’re exactly what I … need.”
I stared at her, longing more than anything to unravel every hurt Jordyn ever felt. She was right, though. Every once in a while, someone would tell me that what I’d say was deep. Contemplative. Probably because I spent more time staring at a person from afar than actually engaging with them. So, I felt like a nugget without the right words to say. For a moment, I scanned the flow of traffic as if to prepare to drive from the parallel position. But that was a copout. Finally, I managed to speak, voice deep, tight, strangled by the emotion I hardly let out anymore. “Well, now you have me, JorJor. If you can’t tell by now that I’m willing to fight for you—fight through hell—I’m sure Chelomey won’t mind helping me with that challenge.”
I let out an enormous sigh, waiting for her to say something that would undo the fierce look I offered, that I hoped conveyed what I couldn’t say. What I didn’t know how to say. Because I knew this moment would come.
Why?
Why didn’t we save her too?
When Jordyn only offered a faint smile, I pressed the push to start. She’d ask that question. Maybe not now. But as I came to realize it was as inevitable as dying, my demeanor became stiff, clunky.
No longer did I resemble an ex-operator. The Marines spent upward of $500,000 to a million dollars to train a Marine Raider—from basic recruit training to infantry, advanced Assessment and Selections, and Individual Training Courses. I should’ve been able to respond without the slightest twitch of muscle. Keep a neutral expression. Acknowledge the uncomfortable topic right away. I stumbled instead. The weird boy who got tossed in lockers and got the snot beaten out of him in high school.
As I steered from the parallel parking spot, I passed a swap meet with artificial Christmas trees on display. Then I thanked God this conversation was—
“Do you mind if I ask you something?” Jordyn inquired, her voice soft with curiosity.
Uh-oh. From my peripheral, Jordyn had turned in her seat until her knee edged against the center divider while I squeezed through an almost red light to buy myself some time. “I’m an open book.”
“You told your parents about me, right, Jamie?” Her voice was hollow, hardly a whisper. “How did they respond?”