Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 77611 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 388(@200wpm)___ 310(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77611 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 388(@200wpm)___ 310(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I don’t go to my room or seek out the band. Not yet. I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn’t breathe. It’s been building since I got on the snowmobile, I think. This volcano of bullshit and baggage, just poised and waiting for a reason to explode over an unsuspecting Michael.
Familiar faces blur around me as I head back outside. Faces I’ve seen at the pub over the years, or when I was visiting Bex at her complex. I don’t want to talk to any of them, so I don’t even stop at the desk to find out where the hell Veronica took my jacket… Or let her know Michael might need help in the kitchen now that I’ve run away from him like a coward.
What was it, twenty minutes? Was that how long it took me to ditch him when we got back to the lodge? All because he was too perfect for me, and I remembered how many times my mother cried herself to sleep after one of her relationships didn’t work out. After they left her or cheated on her. After they took our rent money.
Watching her curl up in a ball on the floor, forgetting to make dinner or shower or change her clothes for days? It burned into my fucking soul that no one should ever give anyone else that much power over them. No matter how easy or good it felt in the beginning.
I scoff at the direction my thoughts are heading. I’m in self-comfort mode now. Telling myself I was right about this feeling too easy. That I was flying high on a snowy cloud of sex and sweetness, and there was bound to be a sugar crash.
It just pisses me off that it was that moment. We’ve had harder conversations all weekend and it wasn’t like he blew me away with startling new information I couldn’t have guessed for myself.
I should have comforted him. Given him some sage advice about not choosing our parents but being able to choose what we take from them. What we learn.
How many children have I given that particular speech to over the years? And what kind of hypocrite does that make me? Because I’m still using what one woman did to me seventeen years ago as my permanent excuse to stay single. My tear-soaked security blanket. The hall pass to get me out of even considering being in a relationship. My students would be disappointed in finding out how not-together I am.
Zero aura points, Mr. Winston.
Michael kept that job and the connection to his father because he had hope for something more. Something better. And if he gave himself a chance, he’d find it with his brother. Clinging to my mother’s judgement and her absence is all about fear. And it makes sure I’ll stay alone by asking one simple question.
What if you tell him how you feel and he leaves anyway?
“Fuck.” I scrub my damp face and lean over the snowmobile that’s still sitting where we left it. If I knew how to drive it and wasn’t afraid of getting lost in the snow again, I’d be on my way home right now. Back to my life with no vacations and no risks. Where I tell children to stand up to bullies while backing down from my own. Where I stopped singing and performing at Royale’s years ago, even though it made me happy. Where I try to make sure my friends find people who love them while continuously denying myself. Where I’m safe.
If I hadn’t been physically trapped outside of my comfort zone, would I ever have let my guard down enough to see what could happen with a man like Michael? A Grinchy dragon. An adorable baker. A sexual demon in private and an introvert in a crowd. My favorite Christmas present.
He's not your anything at the moment. Not if you leave things like this.
A familiar truck pulls up, followed by another snowmobile with the lodge logo clearly visible on the hood.
“Winnie?”
Bex hops out of the truck and strides toward me. She’s beaming, the fresh pink scar that runs from her chin down her neck mostly hidden by her turtleneck and scarf.
She wraps me in her arms. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you where I went. I still can’t, but you’ll find out soon and you’ll love it. You have no idea how relieved I am to see you.”
I force myself to smile. “Same here.”
Val is looming protectively over her shoulder, and Brady Finn—the only other giant I know—comes into view beside him.
“Hey Win,” Brady says with a wink.
Val cups the back of my neck and gives it a squeeze. “Hey, man. Glad you’re okay.”
“You made it back,” says a familiar voice.
I turn my head to find Ken Tanaka stepping up to stand beside me. He’s still got the same long dark braid he had when we met him. Flawless skin. Bright, intelligent eyes. Knowing eyes. Does he already know what a mess I’ve made out of everything?