Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
“This is perfect.” Josh closed his eyes and dropped his head back. He had the jets going against his back as well.
“Yeah, yeah it is,” I admitted. I took a drink of my beer, looking at him again. At Josh, this man who’d been a part of my life for years now, but whom I wanted in new ways. Ways that weren’t just unfamiliar when it came to him specifically, but with anyone. It might have been because of our friendship, but still, it wasn’t as if I didn’t have a bond with Chase, Law, Remy, Knox, and Callum, so what made Josh stand out? “So…I think I owe you my own truth because of last night.”
Josh opened his eyes but didn’t sit up, just looked at me with his head tilted back. “You don’t owe me anything. If you give me something, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel you have to.”
“I know. Shit. I didn’t mean it like that.” Josh nodded and sat up then, as if he could tell it was important. I took a couple of long swallows from my bottle. “This is a little weird for me and pretty personal. It’s not like what you shared with me, but yeah, Christ. I’m feeling stupid right now.”
“Don’t feel that way. Ever. I would never make you feel that. Whatever you want to say is important to you, and as your friend, that makes it important to me.”
Damn, he was a good man. I wasn’t sure everyone saw how incredible Josh really was.
“I’ve always felt…different.”
His brows drew together. “What do you mean?”
“Just…it’s hard to put into words. Sexually, I guess. I never really felt the way most of the guys I know did. The physical reaction to sex is there, and it’s pleasing, obviously, but on the other hand, I don’t really get it. The urge to, well, fuck or hook up the way my buddies do. When Chase and I were younger and we’d go out, that was his goal for the night, to find someone and get off, but it wasn’t the same for me, and not even only when it came to sex. I never really felt physically attracted to people the same way everyone around me seemed to.”
“So you’re ace? Or on the ace spectrum? There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s who you are. A lot of things are making more sense now, though, and I feel I owe you an apology for my behavior.”
“No, no.” I shook my head. “I don’t expect that and never felt uncomfortable or anything. The thing is, I didn’t know if I was ace, demisexual, or what. I wasn’t aware those were even a thing until Kellan told me. He mentioned that with possibly being aromantic. I figured one of those would apply to me, I just didn’t know which. That’s where the guy came in this summer. I even thought maybe I was gay and didn’t realize it. That probably sounds crazy.”
“No, it doesn’t. Not at all. People think of sexuality as this definite set of rules, like you can take a quiz, check boxes, and voilà! You get the answer. It’s not always so cut and dried, and that’s okay. How did it go with him?” His brows pinched together, but I wasn’t sure he noticed it.
“My body reacted physically.” I dropped my head back. “This is so fucking weird.”
“Hey,” Josh said, and I looked at him. “It’s uncomfortable for you, but it’s not weird—you’re not, okay?”
Christ, I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed him to reiterate that until he had.
“Thanks and, well, I would have been able to perform, but up here?” I tapped my head. “I just wasn’t into it. He was attractive, but I didn’t feel it emotionally or mentally, and I need that to want to have sex with someone. I didn’t want him, so I still didn’t have an answer, but…now I think I do. I guess I lean toward demi because I’m attracted to you. I wanted to kiss you yesterday, and if I’d dissected it, I’d have acknowledged wanting to kiss you for a long time now. But it was all muddled in my head—definitions and descriptions and wants and fears. It hit me hard yesterday, when we were in the lake. When I left, I just drove and thought, and then it all clicked into place, but then there are a whole lot of things that make me worry it’s a bad idea, and I don’t even know if you feel the same and—”
“I’m attracted to you, Griff. Make no mistake about that. I’d be crazy not to be, but I’m not sure what you’re saying you want here, and depending on that, I can’t say I’m the right guy for this. Your friendship has come to mean a lot to me. I don’t want to lose that, but I also don’t know if I can be the man you need—or if I deserve to explore this with you.”