Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 147734 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 739(@200wpm)___ 591(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 147734 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 739(@200wpm)___ 591(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
“I couldn’t even admit it to myself, Mom. I still struggle with the weight of responsibility and my feelings, and I’m just stuck.”
“Unstuck yourself, then. Fuck responsibilities.” Dad stands up and sits on the other side of me.
“But…” I look up at him. “I can’t be a leader if I’m with a guy.”
“Says who?”
“The codes of the Bratva.”
“Fuck those. We’ve evolved. The old men will die eventually, so fuck them. And, son, I’m still around. You don’t have to worry about leadership for decades—or forever if you don’t feel like it.”
“No. I do want to be like you, Dad.”
“Then you will.” He strokes my hair. “Whether a man or a woman stands by your side is none of anyone’s business. I’ll kill anyone who thinks it is.”
I let out the breath I’ve been holding for…years, actually, slumping into my chair from the force of it.
“Powerful men can be gay, Vonnie.” Mom strokes my shoulder. “Your uncle Anton and my best friend, Maks, are a clear sign of that, remember? They’re the most powerful men I know, and they’re living their best life in Russia, of all places.”
Dad raises a brow. “I thought I was the most powerful man you know, Solnyshko.”
She hits his shoulder teasingly. “You know what I mean.”
Dad looks at her the way he always does—like just being near her is enough. I grew up watching them, two halves locked together, partners in everything. I wanted that.
I still do.
The difference is, I thought it had to be with a girl. But the only person I can picture by my side is Yulian.
Fuck.
Is he my partner the way Mom is to Dad? He’s reckless, rough around the edges, and has nothing of Mom’s diplomacy—and yet he’s the only one I can see standing with me.
Maybe Gareth was right?
“Point is,” Mom says. “Don’t let your sexuality shackle you. Being straight or gay doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy.”
“I’m not straight or gay. Bi, maybe. I don’t know, actually. I prefer to be unlabeled. I just…care about Yulian more than I thought possible. It started…forget it. I don’t want to bore you.”
“Nonsense. You’re our only son,” Dad says. “Why would you bore us?”
Mom strokes my shoulder. “Go on. Tell us more about Yulian.”
“I hated him in the beginning, you know. He was so loud and violent and had blood on his hands when he came to say hi on the first day. I had to remain calm and remind myself that I was at the camp because I had to be there, and that was all. But over the weeks we spent together, I became secretly jealous of how free he looked all the time. He didn’t carry any of the responsibilities I thought I had to wear at all times.”
“Is that what you thought all along?” Dad asks.
“Yeah, I guess. It’s not your fault, I just…think too much.”
“We definitely don’t want you to feel like you owe us anything, son.”
“I know.” I let out a breath. “Anyway, as I watched Yulian back then, doing and saying what he wanted, laughing obnoxiously, and sleeping in class, I envied him a little. Maybe I hated him a bit for being so carefree. But then I saw his dad hit him, and I wanted to protect him. He laughed at it, you know, as his dad hit him. He covers everything with a laugh, not wanting to show the world any weakness. After that, the attack happened, and he took a bullet for me, even though he didn’t have to. He didn’t even think twice before saving me, Dad. I couldn’t comprehend it at the time, but now, I realize it’s because he’s just like that. If he cares, even a little, he’ll give his life in return, and I truly respect that about him. Even if he’s nothing like me and drives me crazy with all his impulsive actions.”
Mom strokes my cheek. “Looks like you found yourself a keeper.”
My shoulders fall. “He’s mad at me because of how coldly I treated him at the gallery in front of you guys.”
“Mm. That was cold, actually,” Mom says.
“He was just fine,” Dad counters.
“No, he wasn’t.” She gives him a look. “Listen, Vonnie, not everyone is as coolheaded and rational as you and your papa. Some people need emotional reactions and affirmation. And if that person is Yulian, who I believe wears his heart on his sleeve, he’d be hurt by your lack of emotional response. Don’t be like your father was a long time ago, where you plot everything in your head, discarding feelings in the process. It’ll only hurt the people who love you.”
Dad caresses her face over my head. “I’m sorry, Solnyshko.”
She smiles and kisses him on the cheek.
And now I miss Yulian, because he had this completely awestruck expression whenever I dropped a soft kiss to his cheek or forehead or hand, as if he was mesmerized by those simple gestures.