Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 74554 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 373(@200wpm)___ 298(@250wpm)___ 249(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74554 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 373(@200wpm)___ 298(@250wpm)___ 249(@300wpm)
My stomach twisted hard at that thought.
It was fine.
I wasn’t going to let that happen.
She wasn’t going to get hurt on my watch.
—
I spent the next few days stuck in a hot car, guzzling electrolytes and eating shitty protein bars as I sat on Vital Greens and Rue’s house as well as followed her on any errands she ran.
They were few and far between, though.
And judging by how she seemed to be dragging her feet anywhere she went, I figured maybe the new meds were coming with an adjustment period that made her sluggish and tired.
To avoid any accusations from the club, I made no contact with her and kept a detailed notebook of all her movements. I fucking noted down when she went in and out of the greenhouses to water and when she let her dog out to pee at home, for fuck’s sake.
With watching her so closely, I could see things I might have otherwise missed about her, too. Like how she seemed to get tighter and tenser with each passing day. Like how she whipped around to look whenever she heard the chug of a large truck. Like how she jumped at shadows and hugged her arms around herself.
Each day it grew worse and worse until, finally, one evening… an unmarked freight truck pulled into the empty lot of Vital Greens.
My back stiffened as I reached for the binoculars.
It was go time.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Rue
The new meds were making me slow. Not just my body, but my mind too. All my thoughts felt like they were steeped in molasses. The same went for my limbs.
All the extra effort just to get through my daily tasks—and think straight doing so—was making me the bone-deep kind of tired that no extra sleep seemed capable of fixing.
Traeger watched me with furrowed brows and insisted on making me endless coffees and doing all the heavy lifting at the shop.
As sweet as it was, having more downtime only let my mind travel. With how thick and sticky the thoughts were, it meant all I focused on was the upcoming delivery. And, of course, the fact that I hadn’t heard from Kylo since the whole panic attack thing.
I’d like to say I wasn’t expecting him to.
But some part of me was hoping he might reach out, ask if I was okay, or maybe stop into the shop for more plants.
As pathetic as it was, I just wanted to see him again. I wanted that little hookup and his sweet caretaking of me to mean something.
Obviously, he just wasn’t interested.
He had just been a nice guy.
Then once I was gone, he probably went with a less complicated girl. Apparently, women ran around the house he partially lived in topless. In front of everyone. I couldn’t compete with that kind of extroversion and ease.
“Can I ask you something?” Traeg asked as he handed me yet another coffee. I shouldn’t have taken it. My nerves were jangling. And the worst part of every month was upon me. Still, I took a long swig, hoping it might chase away the exhaustion.
“Sure.”
“I want it to be clear this is coming from a place of love and support.”
Uh-oh.
This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this speech.
“Okay.”
“Are you sure it’s just the adjustment period for your new meds that’s putting you in a funk?” he asked. “I’m just asking because I was really depressed in high school, back when I was coming to terms with coming out and not being accepted by my grandparents and one of my uncles. And this just reminds me more of my actual depression than the meds I used to curb it.”
That wasn’t an invalid concern.
My history of depression showed a cycle. First, pressure. From the pressure, came the anxiety. As the anxiety progressed, the panic started. Then as the panic seemed to be taking over my life, I started to feel hopeless. Life got bleak and small until I was completely without any motivation to even get out of bed in the morning.
I was clearly just barely holding on through the panic stage. And with the way my thoughts had been going the past few days, it did seem like depression was circling around me, threatening to close in.
That said, I did have to give the new meds at least a few weeks to see if they were working. The hint of depression I was feeling could potentially just be my body adjusting.
“I see what you’re seeing too,” I said. “I think I do need to give the meds some time before I jump to any conclusions, though. But I appreciate the concern. And if you see any signs that you think things are getting worse, I would also appreciate another call-out.”
Traeger nodded at that. “I know we have danced around the topic in the past.”