Total pages in book: 38
Estimated words: 34760 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 174(@200wpm)___ 139(@250wpm)___ 116(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 34760 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 174(@200wpm)___ 139(@250wpm)___ 116(@300wpm)
I got addicted to how that felt, and I've clung to it with both hands. I told myself that we could stop hiding once all the pieces of my retirement were in place, when no one would care about me anymore.
And I told myself that it's what she needed if I was ever going to be good enough for her. But I never really considered what hiding was doing to her or how it made her feel.
I was building a future, one that felt like home. She was crumbling, feeling like a secret. And I'm the one who made her feel that way. I told her she wasn't strong enough or good enough in a million different ways, without ever realizing that's what I was doing.
Every damn time I showed in disguise, every damn time I failed to take her out, every damn time I kept her hidden, I failed her. I broke her heart over and over, all while hoping she'd keep giving pieces of it to me.
"You are an idiot," I mutter to my reflection in the mirror early on Monday morning. I look like hammered shit. But I'm a little proud of myself too. Despite how I feel and despite how hard yesterday was, I never even considered reaching for a bottle. I never thought about escape.
That's Loralei's doing.
Because I've already hurt her once. Because I won't do it again. She needs me to step up and fix what I've broken, to prove that I can be the man she deserves, instead of the prick who decided he knew what she wanted and tried to write her future without ever consulting her.
I can do that. Hell, I'll kill myself trying if that's what it takes.
A little after nine, I hop into my SUV and head downtown. I want to head straight for the library, but I'm not going to cause a scene while she's at work. She may kill me for that, and I've already done enough damage.
Instead, I search for the bookstore she talks so much about, locating it a few blocks from the library.
I pull into the parking lot, and then hop out. I'm not sure if her friends are willing to help me, but it never hurts to try, right?
I take a breath, heading for the entrance.
As soon as I step over the threshold, the giant wall of vibrators catches my attention. I smile despite myself, shaking my head. I guess Loralei wasn't joking about that.
"Welcome to Book of…holy shit," a blonde behind the counter says, gaping at me. "You're Ash Kilborne."
"I am," I say, shoving my hands into my pockets.
"Lilah!" she shouts. "Ash Kilborne is in your store."
"Jazz, I swear to God, if you're lying just to get me to stock shelves, I'm telling River about that time you…" A brunette steps through a door behind the counter, blinking. "Holy shit. Ash Kilborne is in my store."
"Told you so," Jazz says.
"Um, hey," I say, with a little wave.
They both stare at me with matching expressions, and then the blonde cackles loudly. "If he's here because he reads smut, I'm going to lose my shit."
"I'm actually here about Loralei."
"What about her?" Lilah asks.
But I think Jazz already knows. She's looking at me like she's doing complex mathematical equations in her head, her blue eyes growing wider and then wider. "Shut the front door!" she finally shouts, leaping to her feet. "You're fucking!"
The fact that Loralei hasn't even told her closest friends about us bothers me. I fucking hate that she's felt like she's had to hide it. I hate that I made her feel that way. I hate knowing just how little I deserve her right now.
"I'm in love with her," I say, not willing to diminish what this really is. It's not fucking. Sure, there's been a lot of that. But it's never been just that.
Lilah staggers to the stool Jazz just vacated and plops down, looking shell-shocked. Jazz, on the other hand, looks a little pissed.
"You're the reason she was crying at Book Club, aren't you?" she practically growls, crossing her arms.
"She was crying at Book Club?" I ask.
"Yes," Jazz says.
Fuck. I'm such an asshole.
"Yeah," I whisper, swallowing hard. "I guess I am."
"What happened?" Lilah asks, looking a little less like she wants to murder me than Jazz does.
I hesitate for a moment and then decide I might as well tell them everything. If I'm going to recruit them to the cause, they deserve to know. "We've been seeing each other since I got into town two weeks ago. I…fuck, I've been an asshole who made her feel like she wasn't good enough, when that couldn't be further from the truth." I scrub a hand through my hair. "She asked me to go to a gala with her, and I said no."
"So you don't want to be seen with her," Jazz says flatly.