Total pages in book: 122
Estimated words: 116372 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 582(@200wpm)___ 465(@250wpm)___ 388(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116372 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 582(@200wpm)___ 465(@250wpm)___ 388(@300wpm)
“You know it drives Mav insane when you put the box back and there are no marshmallows left, right?” River is clearly struggling to say what he wants to.
“Yup.” I produce a rainbow and pop it in my mouth.
River grabs my hand, and I drop the box, cereal spilling over my bed. He sits up in a rush as I curl my fingers into a fist and try to hide the crescent moons scored in my palm. But River is strong, and I’m no match for him, so he pries my fist open—gently—and sucks in a breath.
When he looks at me, his expression is tortured. “What happened, Lav?” He runs his callused fingers across my palm. The cuts aren’t deep, but they exist, and that’s enough.
“It’s nothing.” I pull my hand free.
He rolls to his side and props himself up on one elbow. “Why are you lying to me? You always lie to me about him. Why?”
Because we had something you’ll never understand. Because even though I hate him, I’ll always love him. Because he used to get me in a way I don’t think anyone ever will again. Because he could save me without smothering me. “It’s complicated.”
“I wish I’d known about the glasses situation. I would’ve come to get you.”
“I should’ve walked home—or done anything but get in the car with him. But that was the choice I made, and only I get to regret it.” I link my pinkie with his.
“I don’t like that he does this to you,” River says softly.
“I do this to myself.”
“Because of him.”
“It’s been a lot of years, River. It was a shock to my system.” That’s a partial lie.
River chews the inside of his cheek to the point that I wonder if he’s making it bleed. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to come to school here and move in with me and Mav. It was a mistake. My mistake. I thought it would be better ’cause, like, we’re all here, and I didn’t want you to have to stay back with Mom and Dad for another year. But I feel like I’m making your life harder, not easier. It was selfish of me.”
“You didn’t force me to come here. It’s where I wanted to be.” That’s mostly the truth. I didn’t want to miss out on being where everyone else was.
His pinkie curls tight around mine. “I always wanted to keep you safe, Lav, but I kept fucking up. I couldn’t even keep you safe from Kody. Even now, I can’t.”
I squeeze his pinkie back. “I don’t want you to keep me safe from Kodiak. That’s my own cross to bear, not yours.”
He’s quiet for a long time before he finally exhales a long, slow breath. “I couldn’t keep you safe from a lot of things.”
After all the damage that’s been done over the years, I have to wonder which of us has suffered more.
9
DON’T LET THE MONSTERS GET YOU
Lavender
Age 6
“IT’S SUPER FUN in there, Lavender. You’re going to love it!” my big brother Maverick assures me with a grin and a wink.
I smile back up at him. He thinks everything is fun, and most of the time he’s right.
“The mirrors are the best!” Kodiak announces. He’s Maverick’s best friend, but he’s my friend too. “We’ll make sure you have a great time.”
I nod and wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep my shiver of worry inside, but it doesn’t work.
“Lavender, honey, are you cold?” Daddy asks. “Where’s your jacket?”
Mommy checks her purse. “We must have left it in the car. I can run back and get it. I’ll only be a minute.”
“Ah, man,” Maverick mutters. He’s quiet enough that our parents don’t hear, but I do. His frustration is a thick blanket, heavy on my shoulders. Maverick doesn’t like to wait, and they’ve already spent five minutes trying to convince me to come with them.
“It’s okay. She can wear my hoodie.” Kodiak unties it from around his waist and holds it out to me.
I take it with a small smile and slide my arms through the soft fabric. It’s warm and smells like laundry detergent. The hoodie has the hockey logo from the team my daddy coaches and Kodiak’s daddy plays for. I slip my hands into the pockets, and my fingers brush candies and a few empty wrappers. Kodiak always has Jolly Ranchers. They’re his favorite. My favorite are the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, even though it’s really cereal, not a candy.
“You’re sure you want to go?” Mommy asks quietly as she helps me roll up the sleeves.
I nod, but don’t use my words. I don’t trust my voice right now. Besides, Mommy said we could have funnel cake after the fun house, and I don’t want to be the reason we don’t get to.
Mommy and Daddy look at each other. They talk without words all the time. Me and River do that too. It’s different because River is my twin, but also the same in a lot of ways. We don’t always have to use words to know how the other feels, which is good since sometimes my words get stuck in my mouth.