Total pages in book: 113
Estimated words: 106772 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106772 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Ever since Mom decided to stop treatment, each day I woke up, wondering if she was alive or if, by some grace of God, she’d fallen asleep after Nova and I had told her how much we loved her, drifting off peacefully. Because that was what I wanted for her. To just sigh and let go, to stop fighting a winless battle, for my and my sister’s sake.
We weren’t going to be good after she left us, but we’d get there eventually. Toni would make sure of it, but she wouldn’t be our mom, and things wouldn’t be the same.
Nothing would ever be the same again.
I’d never come down the stairs and find her in the kitchen, dressed in the ratty robe I’d bought her ten years ago, or look in the stands or bleachers to see her cheering louder than any other parent.
I’d never get to hear her laugh, see her smile, or smell the perfume she loved to wear. If I’d known that this past Christmas was my last one with my mom, I would’ve tried to make it more special for her, but instead, I’d complained because I couldn’t see Eleni.
I’d never get to hear her yell my name to take out the garbage and then tell me she loved me when I came back from doing so. How many times could I say it now so that she’d remember when she was in heaven?
And Nova—would she even remember our mom? Would she remember the way Mom’s nose crinkled when she was about to sneeze or how every piece of art Nova brought home, Mom declared a masterpiece?
Would Nova remember how on rainy days, Mom liked to keep the window open just a little bit so we could hear and smell the rain while we were snuggled together on the couch, watching movies?
I knew it would be my job to remind my sister, to bring up funny stories about our mom, but what would happen after I’d forgotten? Who would remind me?
Would it be my job to put Nova’s Santa presents under the tree on Christmas Eve?
I had so many unanswered questions that would never have answers because there wasn’t a playbook for me to follow.
The clouds overhead didn’t move, making time seem as if it were at a standstill. I stared at them from my position on the picnic table. I’d ditched class to come out here. My teacher didn’t even bat an eyelash when I got up and left. What are they going to do, ask me what’s wrong? Everybody knew.
“Hey,” Eleni said as she climbed onto the table and lay next to me. “What are we looking at?”
“Heaven.”
She reached for my hand. “My grandpa is there.”
“Do you think he likes it?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think so.”
“Do you think heaven looks the same for everyone?”
“I think heaven looks the way you want it to. It’ll be whatever gives the person comfort.”
My lips went into a fine line. I wasn’t sure if she was right, but if she was, then I’d bet my mom would want heaven to look like our house, with me and Nova being as loud as possible.
“It’s going to be okay, Cutter.”
I let her words settle over me and wait for them to make sense. Nothing was ever going to be okay. “You still have your parents, Eleni.” The last thing I wanted to do was hold that against her, but she didn’t know if things were going to be okay.
“I know.”
She seemed sad, and that wasn’t my intent. I sighed heavily and lifted my arm so she could rest her head on my chest. “Things are going to be different.”
“Is your aunt strict?”
“I don’t know, but I’m worried about Nova. Just don’t give up on me, okay?”
“Never, Cutter. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
There were things in my life that I never thought I’d experience: watching my mom fight for every breath, not being able to get up and be with me and Nova and barely able to keep her eyes open.
Each day I wondered if this would be the end, and each night, when I would lie on the air mattress in her room, I wondered if tonight was the night.
I wanted her suffering to stop, but I wanted her better. I longed for her to look at me, smile, and tell me she felt better. Deep down, I knew something like this would only happen in my dreams. That was when everything was perfect.
That was where my mom walked among the wildflowers and the sun always shone brightly.
In my dreams, she wasn’t sick and dying. There she was, hugging Nova and me, and dancing barefoot around the kitchen while noodles boiled in water and pasta sauce simmered in a pot.
In my dreams, I never lost my mom. I planned to stay there as long as possible.