Total pages in book: 47
Estimated words: 46599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 233(@200wpm)___ 186(@250wpm)___ 155(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 46599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 233(@200wpm)___ 186(@250wpm)___ 155(@300wpm)
Dad returns the hug. “You want to come with us? I had this whole speech prepared about how we can’t make you move with us, how you’re free to do what you want – all true, by the way – but you want to come?”
“Of course I do,” I say fiercely, thinking of June, thinking of the smell of the ocean on a cold East Coast day.
And Ben. Always thinking of Ben.
I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.
CHAPTER TEN
Ben
“It’s going to be good to have Mom and Dad closer,” Alex says, speaking between breaths as his sneakers slap against the running machine.
I run next to him, staring straight ahead, my breath loud in my ears.
It’s been hellish being apart from Becca. Sleep has become a joke. All I can do is replay the moments we spent together.
Every day my thoughts go to the party, the wedding, Alex’s apartment, the touching and the kissing, the revelations and the deep, all-consuming starvation that touched me, as though telling me to grab her, to claim her now.
To bring the future into the present…now.
“Definitely,” I say, feeling sick.
“Dad’s pumped too,” Alex goes on, oblivious to the pain coursing through me.
Maybe that’s one of the benefits of being known as a grumpy bastard. People don’t notice when real pain and confusion strike. But I feel it, bone-deep, twisting its way through me.
I’ve somehow managed not to message Becca, not to make contact.
But that was with an ocean between us.
How can I forget about the kiss with her back on the East Coast?
How can I fight the never-ending swirling mess of tension, want, guilt, regret, and knowledge? I can never regret what we did because Becca belongs to me.
“Ben?” Alex says, jolting me from my thoughts.
I look at him, his lips twitched into a smile. He looks so much happier now that he’s married. And that’s saying a lot. Alex has always been the happier of us two, always able to give himself to life easier.
Marriage agrees with him. And here I am, ready to take away that joy. Wrench it out of my best friend’s goddamn hands because I can’t stop, can’t even think about stopping.
She’s always there, every second of every day. That’s the truth.
Always, whispering to me from memory, tempting me with plans for the future.
Alex raises his eyebrow, his grin widening.
I realize we’ve come to a stop. We’ve gone from running to walking, and now stationary, as I’ve been lost in thought. The workout system is automatic, linked to our new software.
“So it works,” Alex says, laughing. “Where did you drift off to? The look on your face…I thought you were going to start reciting poetry.”
I chuckle gruffly. “That would be one hell of a dark day. You were talking about your parents. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t know how far that I’m sorry really goes; he doesn’t understand it cuts right to the core of our friendship.
I’m sorry I kissed your little sister. I’m sorry, I want to do more.
I should roar that in his face.
As we walk over to the benches, grabbing our towels and water, Alex nods. “Dad’s excited to be heading up this new division. It’s a big opportunity for him. And, between us, he’s always missed America. He loves England. He wanted Mom and Becca to love it too. But his heart is here.”
I nod slowly, my mind immediately drawn to Becca.
“I take it she’ll finish her studies here?”
“Who…Becca?”
“Yeah,” I say as casually as I can.
I wonder if he can hear the warble in my voice, sense how difficult it is for me to hold back the raging desire.
It’s been weeks of laying my head on the pillow, closing my eyes, and wondering if tonight is the night. The night I can finally sleep.
It never comes. She’s always there, the taste of her lips and the flush in her cheeks. The gentle way her hand felt pressed against mine.
“I think so,” Alex says. “She’s happy too. She’s always missed June.”
“You spoke to her?” I ask, knowing I should stop.
As we leave the gym, I’m like a teenager fishing for scraps. It’s the sort of behavior Alex would never expect of me, so he doesn’t question it. He doesn’t know how eagerly I’m holding onto his every word.
“They actually got in last night,” Alex says as he locks up. We’re here after hours. “Becca says she missed the way the East Coast smells on an autumn day. That’s such a Becca thing to say.”
Is it? I almost ask, desperate for more information about her, but I manage to stop myself.
Hearing about her only makes this hurt more.
But how can I fight this now that she’s returning?
I think of the last time I saw her, in the elevator, after she told me she was a virgin. That was when it was sealed for me, how badly I needed her, how urgently I’m going to claim her and soon.