Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81375 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81375 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
I know he loves me. I’m his only child.
I foolishly thought I could convince my parents not to worry, and that with some time, they’d see things the way I see them, or they’d at least respect my decision.
The problem with that is that there hasn’t been enough time.
We’re still right in the heart of it.
“What do you want?” Mom asks Luca. She cuts straight through the bullshit, all the unasked questions, and all the years of thoughts, assumptions, regrets, and memories. Kindness is layered over every word.
Relief slicks through me like oil.
It’s Luca who edges closer, until our arms are touching. The electricity that low-level buzzes through me whenever he’s in the same room sparks like static. It doesn’t stop just because my parents are watching us—Dad with intense scrutiny, and Mom pretty much the same way, though she tries to soften it a little.
Luca’s fingers bump against mine. Especially now, he’s asking permission. He’s offering comfort and seeking it. Maybe I should have waited. I hate that I’m hurting the people I love, but every minute we didn’t have this conversation would be disingenuous. Playing a part at Luca’s when we met was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My parents always taught me to be honest. To figure out who I was and be exactly that, no matter what anyone thought.
They don’t know I lied to Luca. They don’t know any of that. They don’t know that from the very first second, meeting him was like meeting the other half of my soul when I didn’t even know it was missing.
They have no notion of just how understanding, wise, compassionate, and forgiving Luca has been.
I grasp Luca’s hand, hanging on firmly. Mom gives Dad the whole remember what it was like to be in love silent conversation. My parents have a silent language that they’ve used for years to communicate with each other.
“I want her to be happy,” Luca rasps. “And me too. I want for us to live, hopefully side by side, but not always in a literal sense.”
“How do you plan on achieving that?” Dad snaps, his fear obvious. While he just dropped the most earth-shattering revelation about the bakery, his fear seeps through. My parents want me to live my own life, but they love me, and letting me move across the country is nearly unfathomable.
“Day by day,” Luca starts, speaking at the same time as me.
“You can’t ask Luca something like that. Even the greatest philosophers and scientists can’t give you a step-by-step guide to achieving happiness or define what that even is.”
“I’ve lived with plenty of regret, but I’ve known real joy too. If I could go back, I’d do so many things differently. I don’t want to stop Dulcie from making her own path, but I would like to shield her from what I can. I was a kid once, with all the jittery, hypocritical, wild youthful dreams. That can be beautiful, but also destructive. I tried to live without fear, but that turned into borderline recklessness. I’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights battling with the past and trying to figure out how to get the future right. I thought I knew what I wanted. I even thought I was in love once.
“I’ve had to relearn what I want, rebuild, regroup, and realize that maybe… I didn’t have any idea. I’m still learning, still making mistakes, and still trying to figure it all out. For a long time, I thought the accident happened as a punishment. I had to pull myself out of that dark hole and realize it was just an accident. That’s all. It doesn’t mean I’m undeserving.” Luca sighs loudly, frustration twisting through the sound of his lungs emptying.
What he just said was so beautiful, but I understand he’s struggling to put words to some of his deepest, darkest moments. They’re never going to come out properly or be enough. I edge closer to him so our hips brush and our bodies connect at more than just one point.
“I’m here because what’s gone unsaid shouldn’t have,” he continues. “We’ve only tortured ourselves. There’s no making that right, but there can be a future. I truly want that. And I’m here because Dulcie asked me to be, and honestly, it might be irrational, but I’d give her the world if I could.”
Oof. Every single time in my life that I’ve ever thought I knew what a chokehold was, I was wrong. This. This is if chokehold and heart-stopping had a baby. I was so wrong. Maybe there are words. Luca just found them.
“I don’t like this.” Dad just drops that and lets it linger in the air like noxious gas. Ever tried making a vegetable pie? There was a time in recent memory when Dad thought he could turn up the heat on savory instead of sweet. It wasn’t a good result.