Total pages in book: 61
Estimated words: 58874 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 294(@200wpm)___ 235(@250wpm)___ 196(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 58874 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 294(@200wpm)___ 235(@250wpm)___ 196(@300wpm)
Tor still didn’t look away, still continued tenderly stroking his cheeks, but he didn’t respond.
Knowing he wasn’t going to get an answer didn’t fill him with rage like it had in the past; instead, it drained him. He cradled both sides of Tor’s head, kissed him, and then leaned his forehead against Tor’s. “Sometimes when I’m really exhausted and I’ve had a bad week and I haven’t seen you in too long, I lay in my bed alone and I think about what I’d be doing if we hadn’t met. What kind of life I’d have. Would I be in a normal relationship? Would I be with somebody who’s around so much that I could take him for granted?”
Pain flashed in Tor’s beautiful eyes and Jule hated himself a little for putting it there, but he was so damn tired. Tired of holding everything in, tired of having Tor but not having him, tired of feeling like part of him had been ripped away, the best part. Tired of the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t do anything to change any of it.
“Do you regret it?” Tor whispered.
Jule was quiet for a long time and then he swallowed, his throat working. “If I had never met you then I wouldn’t know.” In another life, maybe things would have been different. A life where he hadn’t met Torrence Dunworthy in kindergarten.
“What wouldn’t you know, Julie?” Tor asked his voice a hoarse whisper.
“I wouldn’t know what this feels like. I wouldn’t know that I could crave somebody this much. That I could need somebody this much. That I could love somebody this much. I wouldn’t know that somebody like you could exist. And maybe then I could’ve been…” He paused and sighed. “…probably not happy but maybe at least satisfied with less. I don’t know.” He shrugged and then met Tor’s shimmering eyes and wiped away the wetness in his own. “But I do know. I know you’re real. I know you’re perfect. And because of that I can’t be satisfied with less. This thing with us, it’s miserable and painful and so fucking hard but it’s also beautiful and special and necessary. I’m done fighting with you about this. If all you can give me is stolen moments, then it’s going to be enough because even when it’s torture, this relationship with you is deeper and stronger and more necessary than normal could ever be.”
“Jule,” Tor said brokenly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know.” He didn’t know what Tor was doing when he wasn’t standing right in front of him. He didn’t know when he’d see him again after he left. He didn’t know why Tor refused to talk to him about any of it. He didn’t know a lot of things. But he knew that if anyone hated their situation more than he did, it was Tor. At least Jule had stability, a career, the ability to see their family when he wanted, a path toward some sort of future.
“Things will change soon,” Tor said quietly.
“What does that mean?”
Tor drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It means I need a little more time. I promise you, Jule, just a little more, and then we can do whatever you want.”
That sounded more like a dream than a promise, but he was willing to dream with Tor. “Okay.” He slid his arm around Tor’s back, wove his fingers through his hair, and pressed his face to his neck. “I trust you, Tori.”
He had been having sex with Tor for half his life, so he hadn’t considered the possibility of them doing something new. But that night, they came together in a different way, a slower, quieter way. Instead of clawing at clothes and skin and banging up against walls, they walked to the bedroom in silence, fingers twisted together. The table lamp cast a soft warm glow, matching the mood. By silent agreement, they stopped beside the bed and faced one another, eyes meeting and holding. Slowly, Tor reached his hands over his head and pulled off his own shirt. At the same time, Jule tucked his thumbs into his waistband and pushed down his sweats. One article of clothing at a time, they undressed themselves until they were naked, still standing in the same spot, still looking at each other.
“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Julie?” Flowery words weren’t their thing. Tor had told him he was hot, told him he wanted him, told him he made him hard. “Because you are.” They were standing close enough that he could feel Tor’s breath ghosting over him as he spoke, but they weren’t touching. “Your body is a work of art, big and muscular. When your hair’s a little longer, like it is now, I can see all the chestnut tones woven together. Your lips destroy me. So soft and juicy. That fucking jaw is carved from stone. And your eyes. God damn, Jule, your eyes. The brown can darken and strike fear in people or it can calm to this warm, rich shade, and when the light hits them just right, the gold parts shine. I used to have trouble concentrating at school sometimes because I couldn’t look away from you, couldn’t think about anything except how gorgeous you were. And you’ve gotten even more beautiful as we’ve gotten older. You are so fucking gorgeous that I don’t know how you’re real.”