Total pages in book: 52
Estimated words: 49178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 246(@200wpm)___ 197(@250wpm)___ 164(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 49178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 246(@200wpm)___ 197(@250wpm)___ 164(@300wpm)
And for a second, I thought that I could belong too.
But that sentence echoed again. Like the shockwaves of a massive bomb.
Thank goodness Sammy never gave us any of that kind of stress.
I winced, sucking in a breath. This was a reminder that life was never easy. “Listen, I should go. Give Dad a hug for me.”
“Of course, sweetheart. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I hung up and stared at the screen for a few seconds before tucking the phone into my back pocket.
My stomach felt hollow. Like someone had scooped out all the joy I’d collected in the past week and left nothing but a dull and gray void in its place. Empty space. White noise.
I’d been so foolish. Leaving the city and coming to Rainbow Ranch had made me feel like I was living in a bubble. But the world didn’t function like that. No one lived in a bubble.
I turned back toward the fence line, just as Benny looked up and spotted me.
He waved. I waved back, weakly, trying to gather my breath, trying to pull the panic back down from the edges of my chest. This was fucked up. I’d made a mistake.
He’d felt so good inside me.
I wanted him again.
I couldn’t have him.
I fucked up.
And then he started walking toward me. I wanted to run.
He reached me fast, his hands still dirty with flecks of dirt and fertilizer. “Hey,” he said. “You good? You kinda looked like you saw a ghost.”
“I’m fine,” I lied through my damn teeth.
He frowned, his dark eyes searching my face. His dark black beard was perfectly shaved. He wore a white tank top and a worn pair of blue jeans. I wanted to hold his chin in my hands, aim those lips toward mine, kiss him until I felt like everything would be alright. “Something’s up, I can feel it,” he said, head cocked. Of course my best friend would know when something was up. “You wanna talk about it?”
“No,” I said too quickly.
He didn’t flinch. Just stepped a little closer. “Okay. Not now. But later, maybe?”
I nodded.
And then he reached up and brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. His palm lingered against my cheek. It was soft. Natural.
And absolutely fucking terrifying.
Because just like that, I pictured my mom seeing it. I heard her voice again. Thank goodness Sammy never gave us that kind of stress.
I stepped back.
He blinked. “What’s wrong?”
“I said I’m fine.” It came out so much more tense than I meant it to. Fuck.
His brows knit together. “Okay, but—”
“I don’t want you to touch me right now,” I snapped.
That did it. Like dumping a bucket of ice directly onto his head. Benny looked shocked. He stepped back, arms falling to his sides, a hurt expression cracking across his face before he could catch it.
“Sam…”
“I just—I need some air,” I muttered. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Do what?”
Be seen. Be known. Be vulnerable.
Be his.
I turned and walked away, heart hammering against my ribs, breath lodging in my throat like it didn’t belong there. A splinter I couldn’t get out. This was so fucked. So fucking fucked. I wasn’t sure if Benny followed me or not. I just kept walking, the world cracking with every step I took.
I didn’t stop until I reached the barn. I sank down behind the tool shed, tucked between sacks of feed and spare fence posts, and buried my face in my hands.
I wasn’t ready for this. I’d been fooling myself.
I wasn’t ready to come out. To be held. To be loved like this—not when I didn’t even know how to love myself in the open.
And Benny deserved better.
I had to make sure he got that.
18
BENNY
It was happening again.
I knew it. I knew history would repeat itself. As sure as the sun would rise on the horizon, Sam would come around to break my heart again. I was stupid to ever think things would be different this time. Why would they? Because we were older? No. That didn’t matter much when he was absolutely determined to keep his true self locked away, withering in the cold and lonely darkness of shame.
“So fucking stupid,” I said to the stars watching me above. Sam had left with a wake of shock trailing behind him. But I wasn’t going to get caught in the riptide. Not anymore. I would swim my way back to shore and be done fawning over men who would never be with me in the first place.
“What a waste of fucking time.” I walked in the opposite direction as the barn, toward the grazing field where a few horses were still out. I thought it had spontaneously started to rain, but the salty taste against my lips confirmed nothing was falling from the sky.
Except maybe the sky itself was falling.
I swung open the gate to the pasture, the hinges creaking loudly into the night. Juniper lifted her head and twitched her ears. I didn’t even have to start walking toward her before she turned and made her way to me. Her coat had an almost ethereal shine to it underneath the moonlight. I ran a hand through her mane. She gave me a curious whinny and bumped her snout into my side.