Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 107074 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 535(@200wpm)___ 428(@250wpm)___ 357(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107074 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 535(@200wpm)___ 428(@250wpm)___ 357(@300wpm)
“Darling—”
“It was a moment of weakness,” I cut Ryder off. “It was one moment of many over the last year and a half. I’ve been so focused on you changin’, that it has changed me, too, and I hate it. I stepped on eggshells around you, I just accepted your refusal to tell me what you were up to, I fuckin’ saw you with another woman and—”
“That wasn’t what happened.” Ryder cut across me as he reached for me.
I angrily pushed his hands away and shouted, “Let me finish! I saw you with another woman and I walked away. All because I wasn’t strong enough to face you or me reality of how things were with you. I turned into a doormat, a coward, and for what? Fuckin’ nothin’!”
I shook my head in disgust at myself.
“The moment I asked you where you were goin’, and you blocked me out, I should have left you. No—I should have given you a chance or two to redeem yourself, but after that, I should have packed up and left you. I shouldn’t have put up with it; I should have walked away and never looked back. I keep thinkin’ about how different me life would be now if I had done that. Big Phil still would have probably kidnapped me because I’m tied to your family, but I wouldn’t have been as weak as I was when I was alone with ‘im. I would have fought for me life, not silently pleaded with ‘im to take it.”
“Branna, I hate myself.”
Out of all the things I expected Ryder to say—that was not it.
“What?” I asked, not sure if I heard him correctly.
“I hate myself,” he repeated, louder. “I knew that I was ruining us, but I kept telling myself that it’d be okay, and when the time came for me to be done with the bullshit that distracted me, I’d fix everything and we’d go back to normal.” He shook his head and shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “I was naive to think that you would always stick by me when I was treating you so poorly.”
“You aren’t makin’ any sense,” I said, annoyed. “The ‘bullshit that distracted you’ was another woman. You can’t fix us. The moment you decided to give yourself to another, we were doomed.”
Ryder looked me dead in the eye and said, “I have never cheated on you. I have never considered cheating on you, and I have never, in all our time together, wanted to cheat on you.”
“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid, I’m not fuckin’ stupid.” I set my jaw. “I saw you. I followed you the night he took me, and I saw you with a woman in a white Range Rover.”
Ryder nodded. “That was Lucy, she’s my contact, not my mistress.”
His contact?
I stared at him. “Are you hearin’ yourself right now?”
“I know, none of this makes sense but if you let me explain, it will.”
“No,” I replied instantly. “I don’t want to hear it, I wanted to hear it the first thousand times I asked, but not anymore. I am done with this conversation, and with you.”
“You don’t owe me anything, but darling, I owe you this explanation. Please let me give it to you.”
I wanted to shut him down again, but I couldn’t, it was like my body physically refused me to say the word ‘no’ again. I wanted to know what he had to say; I wanted to know the truth. He was right. I deserved that much.
“You’ll tell me where you went every night if it wasn’t to this Lucy?”
He sighed. “Yes, but it doesn’t start there, I have to start from the beginning—”
“No, answer that first then start from the beginnin’.”
“I can’t, it won’t make sense,” he said and looked down.
“Look at me,” I demanded.
He did. Ryder looked up at me, and when I saw unshed tears in his eyes; it broke through some of the protective ice that had layered itself around my heart.
“Branna,” he whispered, his body trembling. “Please. I know how hard this is, but trust me.”
No, I told myself. He wasn’t using that against me.
I shook my head. “I can’t do this anymore, Ryder. I can’t handle the lies. The deceit has broken me, you have broken me more than Big Phil ever could.”
Ryder visibly paled as he took a hesitant step towards me, but I held my ground.
“I don’t give a shite if it confuses me, tell me where you went every night right now, or I swear I will never even look at you again. This is your last fuckin’ chance to ever tell me the truth. The whole truth.”
There it was—the ultimatum I should have given him a long fucking time ago.
“Every night I had to meet with my contact Lucy from the FBI, get wired up, and go to Darkness where I was a mole for information against Brandon Daley.”
I stared at Ryder when he finished speaking; I stared at him for a long time before I said, “Get out.”
“No, Branna—”
“Get fuckin’ out!” I screamed. “Do you think this is funny? Do you think tearin’ me apart then tryin’ this bullshit on with me is fuckin’ funny?”
“It’s the truth!” Ryder shouted over me. “Just listen.”
“No—”
“Branna?”
I looked to my doorway when my sister called my name. My eyes instantly dropped to her round belly, and I said, “Are you okay?”
She nodded. “I’m fine… I just… you have to listen to ‘im.”
I stared at Bronagh and couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but before I had a chance to say anything, she pressed on.
“You have refused to be around Ryder since you got home from the hospital, but do you remember when I said Dominic agreed to a family meetin’ so we could get all this shit out into the open?”
I managed a small nod.
“We had that meetin’ last night when you were sleepin’, and trust me, you have got to listen to what Ryder has to say. I know what pulled ‘im from you, and it’s not what you think. I promise.”