Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 75656 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75656 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
After several more seconds of silence, Calder says, “It shouldn’t still hit like that.”
Buck’s expression doesn’t change. “But it does.”
I finally join them at the table with my cup of coffee. “You want honesty?” I ask, looking at Calder.
“No, but you’re going to give it to me anyway.”
Buck slides another piece of pizza out of the box. “You’ve been on edge for days.”
Calder’s jaw tightens. “I’m functioning.”
“He didn’t say you weren’t,” I tell Calder.
He looks at me, and I hold his gaze without pushing. He knows I’m not challenging him, but he also knows I’m not going to let him hide behind a technicality.
“You’re sleeping like shit,” Buck says. “You recheck things that don’t need rechecking.”
“You go still when Elena’s name comes up,” I add. “Which would be funny if it weren’t a problem.”
He gives me a flat look. “You think that’s funny?”
“I do, but not the rest of it.”
We eat in relative silence while the coffee drips and the heat kicks on through the vent.
When Calder finishes his second piece, he wipes his mouth, then tosses the crumpled napkin onto the table. “I had it handled.”
Buck lifts an eyebrow. “Did you?”
Calder slides his chair back and leans into it. “Not fast enough.”
I take a swallow of coffee, then set my mug down. “Then that’s the problem. Not whether you’re broken or whether we need to start treating you like a glass object. The problem is response time.” When he looks at me, I shrug one shoulder. “So we adjust.”
Buck nods toward the bay. “You weren’t alone out there, and you’re not going to be. That’s not how this works.”
For another long while, nobody talks, and Calder’s coffee sits untouched. “When dispatch said possible victims, I heard something else.” His eyes go to the far wall of the kitchen. “I heard the call from that night.”
Buck and I stay quiet.
“The one after the vehicle lit up.”
I freeze with my mug halfway to my mouth, then force myself to take a drink.
“Not the whole thing,” Calder says. “Just pieces. Enough.”
I don’t need the details. My head supplies plenty on its own. Enemy fire over armored metal. Men out of position. Someone trying to go back, because leaving men behind was not an option any of us were built to accept.
He doesn’t say Tyler’s name, but he doesn’t have to.
“You know what set it off,” Buck says evenly.
I answer before Calder does. “Elena.”
He draws in a long breath and lets it out slow. “Doesn’t matter why.”
“It does if you plan to do something about it,” I say.
His laugh is cold and humorless. “What exactly do you suggest?”
Buck answers first. “Stop pretending it’s handled just because you’re still upright.”
“And stop deciding by yourself what makes you useful,” I say.
Calder is staring at the floor when he says, “It hit me without warning, and if I lock up on a call that matters—”
Buck cuts him off. “You didn’t lock up. You took a hit and kept going.”
“I lost time.”
“A couple of seconds,” I say. “And then you worked.”
Calder looks up, frustrated. “Seconds matter.”
I keep my expression neutral. “That’s why we covered them.”
Buck slides back from the table. “You can’t protect anybody if you hide the problem from the only people in a position to help you manage it.”
Calder goes quiet, and I can tell by the look on his face that he knows Buck’s right.
I close the lid on the pizza box and pull it toward me. “You want the good news?” Calder looks over at me. “We haven’t smothered you in your sleep, so you haven’t become completely insufferable.”
He stares at me, then drags a hand over his mouth. It’s not a laugh, but it’s close enough.
“Tonight, you’re running drills with me,” Buck tells Calder.
Calder frowns. “For what?”
“So the next time this flares up, your body has somewhere better to go.”
“You’re assigning me homework now?”
“Yes.” Buck gets to his feet.
Calder shakes his head once and reaches for his mug.
Better this is out in the open than buried where it can do damage.
I finish my coffee, toss the box, and get back to work.
CHAPTER 13
CALDER
I spend my first day off on the ridge above my cabin, wearing a loaded pack and hiking the trails with the sharpest inclines. I put in miles until my calves burn, and all I can hear is my own breathing and the crush of my boots on snow and pine needles.
The next day, I split so many logs, the maul’s handle leaves a hot spot on my palm. I stack the firewood under the overhang, clean out the shed, sweep off the back porch, and tighten a bracket on the porch light.
My body is tired in the way I need it to be, but my mind never fully settles.
I spent years learning how to stay useful. Breathe, segment, reorder, focus on the task at hand. I learned how to use my body to drag my mind where it needs to go, and it had been working well enough that people probably thought the problem was gone.