Total pages in book: 108
Estimated words: 104802 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 524(@200wpm)___ 419(@250wpm)___ 349(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104802 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 524(@200wpm)___ 419(@250wpm)___ 349(@300wpm)
“I kill people and sell drugs.”
“That doesn’t change who you are to me. I don’t care. Not about any of it. Not if I get to keep you. I don’t even care anymore what that says about me.” Because again, we’re all more than one thing—I am, and Cillian is too. He puts both good and bad into the world, and I will too. Both of us. Together. Always.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Cillian
The house is full of people.
We haven’t had as many parties this year as we did last year, but they’re good for money and status—reminding people we’re here and that nothing goes down without our permission.
Music pumps through the speakers, alcohol and weed are shared around freely, the house smelling like a mixture of both.
“Dude, we go to school with a bunch of cokeheads,” Rory says when he finds me sitting on the piano bench. I’ve suddenly started keeping guard of the thing, as if I didn’t ignore it for years. Now I don’t want anyone near it, don’t want anyone to touch it or even look at it wrong.
I’ve played a few more times since the night with Ollie—not in front of anyone but him yet. I’m still finding my way with it, but it’s a path I want to be on. “You’re a cokehead,” I tease Rory.
“What? No. I only do it sometimes and hardly ever lately. Your boyfriend doesn’t like it.”
I laugh. No, he doesn’t, and surprisingly, Rory listens to him.
“He’ll pry weed out of my cold, dead hands, though.” He lights up a joint.
“No shit.”
Rory takes a hit, then passes it to me. I do the same, letting the smoke sit in my lungs for a moment before setting it free.
“Ash is here with that girl she’s trying to get with,” Rory says. “What’s her name?”
“Zuri.” I pass the joint back to him as he sits beside me and we watch everyone around us.
“She’s hot. Think Ash will share her with me?” He pumps his brows, and I roll my eyes.
“Fuck no. And she won’t let you watch either.”
“Yeah, it’s not the same without you anyway. I miss it… I get it, but I miss it.” He shrugs. “I like being with you that way.”
My heart feels weirdly twisted up because I miss it too. Not the part about having someone else between us because I don’t want anyone other than Ollie, but I miss that…thing with me and Rory. Sharing those moments with him. Connecting with him that way. I get it a little when he watches me and Ollie, but it’s not the same. I wrap an arm around his shoulders, pull him close, and kiss his temple. “I like being with you that way too.”
“No shit,” he teases, then passes the joint back.
“I fucking love him, Ror. I can’t believe it.”
“No shit about that too. Like we don’t all see that shit. It’s nice seeing you happy. Like I said before, he’s good for you.”
“He’s good for you too.” I nudge his arm, then look down at the gray-and-black rug beneath us.
“Yeah. I know.” Rory’s red, wild hair sticks up even more when he slides his fingers through it, his leg bouncing. “It’s kinda fucked when you think about it. I’m not in love with you. I don’t want to be with you, but like I said, I miss what we used to do. I had this threesome a few weeks ago, and it wasn’t the same. With you and someone else…it’s one of the only times I really feel something…well, then and when I have the adrenaline rush from doing shit we’re not supposed to do.”
I watch him, try to work out what’s going on inside Rory’s head. Usually, I’m pretty good at it, but right now all the pieces aren’t connecting.
“What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. I don’t fuckin’ know. I don’t want you to think this means something it doesn’t. I don’t want you to think I don’t want you with him or that I don’t get why it probably won’t happen again. The watching is a fun consolation prize, though.”
Is Rory spiraling? Is he needing those moments we used to have, sharing someone between us? Last time we talked, and now too, he said he understood if it didn’t happen, but there’s something more frazzled and almost sad about him tonight.
“He cares about you.”
“Yeah, it’s fuckin’ weird, right? Because I know he does, and even though he’s yours, like I said before, it feels like he’s mine too.”
Just like I told Ollie that night, there’s not an ounce of jealousy when it comes to Rory. Hearing him say that just fills me up with all these good feelings even more. “That’s partly because of us. Because we’re…whatever the hell we are. And partly it’s because of Ollie. There’s just something about him. I played the piano the other night, man.”