Total pages in book: 108
Estimated words: 102778 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 514(@200wpm)___ 411(@250wpm)___ 343(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 102778 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 514(@200wpm)___ 411(@250wpm)___ 343(@300wpm)
“And you told me I was wrong.” Tell me I’m wrong again. Fight for us.
“Maybe you were right.”
My throat clogs, and I struggle to clear it. “You said you didn’t want to be apart.”
“I didn’t—don’t. But this—” she gestures to the windows and the world outside them “—is no way to live.”
“So stop hiding. Let’s go out there, and fuck what anyone thinks.”
Her eyes flash, deep green and angry. “Easy for you to say.”
“It isn’t easy at all, Fi. This whole thing fucking kills me.”
“Then help me,” she says, leaning toward me, her slim body tight and tense. “I can’t stand this, Ethan.”
I can’t look at her. Not without losing it.
“It’s not forever,” she says.
She’s right. It’s just a trip, not the end. But it feels like it. I have a sickening fear that the second she walks out my door, she’ll be lost to me.
I want to fight for her. Insist that she be with me. But I can’t be selfish. If I force her to stay, I’ll lose her anyway. Fi isn’t an object. She’s the woman I love. And if she needs her mother right now, that’s what she’ll get.
I swallow hard, and it feels like I’m drinking down chunks of glass. When I talk, my stomach turns over.
“Let me know when you want to go, and I’ll book you a flight.”
Forty-Two
Dex
I go to bed first and wait in the dark for Fi to finish up in the bathroom. I used to sleep sprawled out, dead center in my bed. No more. I have a side now—the left, which is closest to the door. I chose it because of some deep instinctual need to place myself between Fi and any possible harm that might come into the room. Won’t matter much when she goes to London.
I know I should suck it up. It’s just a trip. But it feels like failure. She’s going because I fucked up.
I run a hand over the center of my chest. It’s constricted, not letting me breathe properly. I hear the sounds of running water stop and then Fi flicking off the bathroom light as she comes into the room.
I stare up at the ceiling. I used to love watching her walk toward the bed, her hips swaying, a smile touching her lips. God, I loved that sight, loved seeing the heat in her eyes. Most nights, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It’s too hard looking at her these days, knowing she doesn’t want me to touch her anymore.
The covers lift, and I steel myself for that inevitable moment when she whispers, “Good night” and curls in on herself.
But she doesn’t do that. She moves across the bed, toward me, the action so surprising that I turn her way to question it just as she snuggles up against me. I automatically wrap her in my arms, my body reacting before my brain can catch up. But then I feel her smooth, warm skin against mine and realize she’s naked.
Hell.
She hasn’t come to bed naked in what feels like forever. A tremor goes through me as my hand runs down the small of her back. I’ve missed this. Just holding her. I want to roll her over and push into her, but I keep still, afraid to break this spell that finally has her back in my arms. Her face burrows into my neck as her hands grip my shoulders.
“Thank you, Ethan.”
I frown down at the crown of her head, her wild hair shining silver in the darkened room. “For what?”
Fi leans back a little, lifting her face to mine. “For letting me go.”
It’s hard, looking her in the eye. I don’t want her to see my grimace. Having her stay because of guilt is absolutely out of the question. So I distract her, and myself, by caressing her arm.
“You’ll go . . .” I clear my throat. “You’ll go and have some quality time with your mom. It will be good.”
That’s about as much as I can say without caving and begging her not to leave me.
Fi’s bright eyes shine in the lantern light streaming through the windows. Her expression is thoughtful. “I know you’re unhappy,” she murmurs, running her fingers through my beard.
“I’m happy when you’re happy.” It’s as simple as that.
She sighs and leans close, pressing her forehead to mine. I close my eyes and just breathe, soaking in as much of her as I can. And she does the same, breathing deep and slow, her touch roaming over me, petting and stroking.
Before Fi, I had no idea how much I needed to be touched. It isn’t something you can fully understand until you have it. Fi’s hands on my skin ease me in an elemental way, down to my very core. I crave it now, want it always.