Total pages in book: 254
Estimated words: 240032 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1200(@200wpm)___ 960(@250wpm)___ 800(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 240032 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1200(@200wpm)___ 960(@250wpm)___ 800(@300wpm)
I couldn’t help but look down at Dunky Donut and imagine what losing him would be like. To spend a lifetime of joy and happiness with him and eventually have it ripped away. Then have to live after that, with his absence.
That was…. No.
No.
My eyes teared up trying to imagine it, and my imagination was poor because I couldn’t even get far enough into that horrible fantasy to do it. I would be a shell. I would be a fraction of the person I was now, knowing I would never see him again. Knowing what I was missing.
It was one thing to know he existed somewhere, even if we weren’t together, and it was a totally different thing to be aware I could never hug him again.
And Franklin was right that my father’s decision might have been impacted by his vow, but it also might not have been. But if it was, then a small part of me got it. It didn’t mean I had to forgive anybody, though.
But I sure wasn’t going to sour my life holding on to resentment toward people I didn’t care much for to begin with.
Just as I opened my mouth to reassure him that his brother was an adult who could make his own decisions, Franklin slid forward in his recliner, elbows on his knees, and said, “Your life is a gift. Simply knowing of your existence has brought me so much joy. I don’t believe in suffering through possibilities, but if I had known that you were out there, I would have found you, and I would have raised you.”
That got me to shut my mouth like nothing else could have, and got my eyes to water in a way that I wasn’t expecting. Below me, Duncan scooted between my feet and leaned against my calves, his “love, love, love” a drumbeat alongside my heart.
“I don’t expect you to be happy with me for keeping this a secret from you, but I want you to understand the statistical chances it took for my brother and your DNA donor to meet over so many, many years. I haven’t known you long, but I can sense the goodness in you. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and heard it with my ears through the mouths of others. You are life and you are death, Nina, and I have never met anyone like you in the millions of days I’ve been on this earth. I consider myself blessed to know that I have a child like you in my family,” he told me like I was made of tissue paper.
In that brief moment, I felt like I was.
He sounded so earnest too.
With the back of my hand, I wiped at my eyes—I hadn’t even noticed them getting watery to begin with—and nodded. What could I say to that? Thank you? He didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that was clear, and I didn’t want to risk hurting his either. This situation wasn’t his fault. But I didn’t feel ready to give him a hug and call him Uncle Franklin or anything.
This was a lot.
I’d like to think it would’ve been a lot for anyone.
What he’d just said had been so nice, and I appreciated it. His words had touched me, but… I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with all that. But suddenly, I was very aware that what I didn’t want was to sit in front of him and weep with the confusion taking hold of my body and feelings.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t known my parents didn’t want me. That they hadn’t gone out of their way to let me go into the world. I’d been at peace with that knowledge for most of my life.
And it was because of that, feeling that absence so strongly after more than thirty years, that made the situation so much more confusing.
There was no reason for me to feel betrayed and confused, but my soul and brain didn’t get the memo.
“I need to….” Duncan placed his head on my knee, and I dipped mine to peck the top of it. My voice came out funny, but I refused to beat myself up over it. “Thank you, Franklin, for telling me all that. I have a lot to think about, but just… I don’t blame you for any of it. All right?”
He nodded as I got up, my donut getting to his paws too. But I hesitated. To ask or not to ask?
We were here though, weren’t we? He was telling me things now, wasn’t he? What better time than now, right?
Maybe there was a list of things I had no interest in being aware of, but this was one I did. I looked him right in the eyes, and I went for it. “Did an ancient civilization have a name for you and your brother?”