Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 121871 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 609(@200wpm)___ 487(@250wpm)___ 406(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 121871 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 609(@200wpm)___ 487(@250wpm)___ 406(@300wpm)
I let a couple of seconds of silence pass between us as I got up the courage to confess, “Both my parents neglected me my whole life. They never loved me.” Still my voice cracked on the word love. At almost thirty years old, I still felt that familiar, burning resentment toward my parents.
Kelly glanced at me, but I couldn’t see her expression because I was watching the road.
When she didn’t respond, I wasn’t sure what to say to fill her answering silence.
But then she suddenly spoke. “I thought your parents were really successful surgeons.”
Relieved, I nodded. “They are. That’s why I was raised by nannies, all of whom were just there to do a job and cared very little for me. But then my nana had to move in with us when I was eleven. She taught me to cook. And she loved me and took care of me for two years before she passed away. She was the first adult in my life who took an interest in me.”
“So, your mum and dad didn’t spend time with you?”
“They took turns attending my piano recitals because they were afraid of what it would look like if they didn’t. To be fair, it was the only time they ever showed me any positive emotion. But they only had me learn piano because they wanted me to be a surgeon. It helps with finger dexterity.” One of my most hurtful memories rose and I confessed it to Kelly. “When I got my first period, I had to ask the school nurse for help. I’d left my mom a voicemail asking her to come help me, and she sent me a quick text telling me to ask the school nurse instead. I was thirteen, my nana had just died, and I was scared because my body was changing, and my mother, the goddamn heart surgeon, told me to go to the school nurse to deal with it.”
“It sounds like your mum is the one who needs heart surgery.”
I pulled the car to a stop outside the house, my chest aching at Kelly’s observation. “Yeah, hers is pretty small. She only ever had space for my father and her work in it.”
Kelly met my gaze, her tone disbelieving as she asked, “And your dad wasn’t there for you either?”
“My dad showed even less interest. His attention to my life didn’t go beyond my school grades. He insisted on academic updates every month and while he never praised me for good grades, he certainly admonished me for those he considered poor. And a B was poor to my father.” While I’d stopped craving my parents’ attention with the deep intensity I’d had as a child, I still remembered the terrible agony of desiring their interest and love and never receiving it. Life in my parents’ apartment felt like another life entirely now. I think the human brain had a way of creating distance from those memories, compartmentalizing them, to protect the heart, so the heart could endure.
“They sound awful.”
“You know, most people aren’t all good and all bad. My mother and father saved all their good for their patients. And it was like they just had nothing left to give. I tell myself I can live with it because they’ve saved a lot of people’s lives between them.”
“But weren’t you … weren’t you lonely?”
“Very.” I blinked away emotion and gave her a sad smile. “But I found family elsewhere. You know Tierney McRae?”
“Of course.”
“Well, she’s the reason I’m here. Her family welcomed me into theirs. Gave me a real home.”
Kelly considered this, nibbling on her lower lip.
I pushed ever so gently. “If you ever want to talk about your mom, I’m here. You can talk to me. I know what it’s like to wonder why a parent doesn’t act like a parent should.”
Kelly jerked her head away, and I saw her throat and jaw working like she was trying to stave off tears.
She didn’t respond, so I pulled back. “Let’s get inside. I’m cooking my five-cheese macaroni tonight.”
“I’d like to go to my room. Unless you need help.”
I knew it was only good manners that made Kelly offer. While I was disappointed, I also didn’t want to make her life harder. “You can hang out in your room.” I let us into the house and as we took off our jackets and shoes in the mudroom, I tentatively touched her arm to get her attention. “I’ll be at the piano, Monday after school.”
Kelly nodded ever so slightly without meeting my gaze before she hurried off, disappearing into her bedroom.
It was a step forward.
While I was impatient to feel like I was making a difference in her life, I rationally understood that forging a relationship with her wasn’t going to happen overnight.
While my mac and cheese baked in the oven, I sat down to the piano to play “Moonlight Sonata.” I kept fumbling a chord in the second movement and had to google the piece but once I’d noted the correct phrase, practice went a bit smoother.