Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 60198 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 301(@200wpm)___ 241(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 60198 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 301(@200wpm)___ 241(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
“You been bitching to Mum again?”
“No.”
“Okay, fine. No more breakups. I’ll go back to being celibate.”
I laugh. “Think you’d be able to after becoming accustomed to having a new guy warm your bed every month?”
“What about you? You haven’t been on a date in forever.”
“How did we start talking about me? You’re the one with issues.”
Anders scoffs. “Keep telling yourself that, brother. We both know when it comes to love we’re both fucked.”
He has a point. Women don’t seem to keep my interest longer than a few months anymore. That, and they have a hard time dealing with my relationship with Anders. They don’t understand what it’s like to have a twin who needs them. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, but none I’d consider a serious relationship. I’ve never had visions of marriage and kids with any of them.
“How about we forget about dinner and go to a bar instead?” Anders asks.
“I’m in.”
Anders often says the best thing about being an identical twin where one is gay and the other is straight is there’s never any competition or rivalry. We make the best wingmen for each other because we have different targets.
That’s his point of view. Mine? I see the guys Anders goes for and wonder what it would be like to be with a man just once.
I’ve had these thoughts since before Anders came out, but that rivalry Anders thinks isn’t there? It’s squashed beneath my straight façade.
It’s not that I’m scared to come out or worried no one will support me. I have a gay brother, for crying out loud. This isn’t “I can’t accept myself.” Statistically, I’m not alone. If someone’s gay, they’re gay. They like the same gender. End of story. The idea of someone liking more than one gender somehow gets twisted and confusing for people—like there always has to be one they like more, or they always end up picking a side. There’s a difference between finding a person to spend the rest of your life with and choosing to be with a particular gender, but that’s apparently too hard for some people to understand.
That’s only one of the reasons I’ve kept quiet, though. Aside from the fact I’ve always been attracted to males and females, I’ve never felt the need to explore my bisexuality. I’ve definitely thought about it, and as time goes on, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore, but until recently, I’d never contemplated going for it.
When you grow up as the exact replica of someone else, you do anything to stand apart from them. Anders understands this more than anyone.
In high school, I chose soccer so he tried out for basketball. I played guitar so he picked drama classes. I got tattoos, and he got piercings. He went into accounting, and I went into teaching. We’ve spent our whole lives trying to be different and find our own personalities, I see being with guys as his thing.
Maybe my reasons for staying closeted would be insignificant to most, but the way I see it, it’s a balance issue.
Anders wasn’t lying when he said I hadn’t dated in a while. I’ve been with my share … and probably my brother’s share as well. You know, for balance reasons. And while I like being with a woman—and enjoy it—the effort in maintaining a relationship is endless. I find it easy to meet women. Holding onto them, however … that’s a whole other language—one I can’t speak.
The appeal of a man is something I’ve never allowed myself to give into, and I sometimes wonder if that’s what’s holding me back with women. I won’t be ready to settle down until I get it out of my system.
I want to know what it’s like.
Especially when I see some guy grinding against my brother on the dance floor from my spot at the bar while I nurse a glass of scotch. I want to be the one—okay, no, I don’t want to grind against the twink he’s chosen for the night. When I imagine being with a guy, I think strong and built with hard muscles to run my tongue over …
Okay, that’s enough imagining.
Anders never used to go for effeminate guys, but now they’re his security blanket.
My eyes catch on a couple behind Anders and his … boy. Now, these guys are my type. Both have thick, muscular arms and chests that lead down to narrow hips. Long legs in tight jeans … my own pants get tighter as I watch the couple dance.
Two girls sidle up next to me, dragging my eyes from the dance floor. One has long brown hair, bright red lips, and wears a tight dress. The other is blonde and dressed in an ugly white blouse and pencil skirt as if she’s come straight to the bar from the office. She’s wearing minimal makeup but is kinda cute with her blonde curls falling around her face.