Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 132097 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 660(@200wpm)___ 528(@250wpm)___ 440(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 132097 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 660(@200wpm)___ 528(@250wpm)___ 440(@300wpm)
“That makes sense, though,” I venture. “You were scared.”
“Scared or not, it’s a shitty thing to do when you’re talking to the girl you knocked up. She’d just finished high school and she was looking for a job. She didn’t have the family or money I do. Single motherhood would’ve wrecked her future far more than it would have scrambled mine—and I flaked out when it mattered. Couldn’t even tell her it would be okay.”
His face screws up, contorted like a man possessed.
He is.
Ethan’s been haunted for years, scorched from the inside out by more than a decade of emotional horror, beating himself up for a tragedy he couldn’t control and can’t take back.
“Ethan, please. That’s not fair.” I can’t bear to see him hurting like this. “You didn’t want to be tied down and you panicked a little. You’re allowed to. What young man wouldn’t? Taking on a baby, a family, that’s heavy stuff.”
“But I wasn’t going to be with Taylor. I could have left whenever I wanted and just paid child support. I could’ve flown in and supported her however I could. There are a thousand things I could have done instead of brushing her off like a goddamned mosquito.”
“But you were so inexperienced. You didn’t know.” My voice breaks as I lay a hand on his arm. He glances down at the contact, muscles flexing. “And it’s a lot to take in. You had no idea until she told you, and you just reacted.”
He shakes his head again.
“It only took you one night to be brave,” I continue. “One night to decide to stand up and be a dad. That’s hardly the worst thing. It’s courageous and mature to admit you made a mistake and—”
“No. No damn excuses, Hattie. The time for that was the second she told me.”
I swallow thickly, stepping closer, pressing my body against his, wishing he could see inside my head just for a second.
It’s not fair.
It’s not right for him to keep immolating himself for years over this, even if dreadful mistakes were made.
“Ethan,” I whisper again. Everything in my body feels like it’s breaking apart, my heart cracking like ceramic. “Ethan, you’re dead set on thinking the worst about yourself.”
“I should be, dammit. I’m a horrible man. Don’t you see it?” he snarls.
“I think you tried to be kind.”
For the longest time, he doesn’t move.
All I can do is bury my face in his chest and be there.
Let him know his darkest secret doesn’t scare me.
I’m here, I’m listening, and I’m not going anywhere.
More importantly, I don’t blame him.
He acts like he killed her with his bare hands, but he didn’t.
Eventually, his arms find their way around me. He sighs, slowly running his hands up my back, my sides, his fingertips brushing under my breasts.
I smile. I can almost feel him thawing.
“You weren’t there,” he mutters, gentler now. His head dips to mine until we’re forehead to forehead. I can taste his ragged breath. “And I love your generosity, Pages, but I was wrong. Absolutely fucking wrong. You can’t escape that. You can’t lie to me.”
“No lie. It’s not your fault she died. It was a freak accident. You didn’t steer her off the road.” I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. “That’s no burden you should carry around for the rest of your life.”
He says nothing, just breathes.
I can feel the reassuring weight of his embrace.
His palms make gentle, soothing circles like I’m the one who needs to be calmed, and it cuts my heart in two.
“Gramps was the one who told me to leave,” he says into the silence, resting his chin on top of my head. “When he found me, when I sobered up, I told him everything. He warned me Portland would be poison if I stayed, and the only way I’d ever get the venom out of the wound is with time away. Go, he said. Go and don’t look back.”
And that’s exactly what Ethan did.
He ran, because he was a boy and he was scared, trapped in the kind of trauma no one should have to suffer so young.
Tears sting my eyes again, but I hold them back with sheer will.
I’m not falling apart, no matter how much my heart aches for him.
I need to be strong.
I need to help heal him, even just a little bit.
Until now, no one else knew.
Just finding out, it’s a huge deal and I need to do this right.
Hearing the truth feels like such a precious thing. Even if I don’t know what to do with it except cradle it to my chest.
He told me.
“I’m amazed you ever came back,” I say. “But I’m glad you did.”
“Yeah?” His lips brush my forehead as he turns my face up. “Some days, so am I.”
“I do have a question, though.” I hold him tighter in case he pulls away from me. But I need to know. “Why me? Why now?”