Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 94119 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 471(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 314(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94119 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 471(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 314(@300wpm)
The sun coming in the windows made spears of rainbows on the kitchen counters, and the distant smell of the bread my mama baked this morning clung to the air. I let it all wash over me, then stepped out onto the back porch. The wooden deck creaked beneath my feet. I walked to the railing and leaned against it. I looked down at my hands again, curling my fingers. My nails were short and brittle but otherwise looked okay. I breathed in deeply, the air filling my lungs. My legs and my arm joints ached.
But I was okay. I didn’t feel like I was done on this earth.
My body might have been failing, but my soul felt alive. I couldn’t reconcile the two. A bird sang from a treetop in the woods to the side of our home, and I found myself looking up. The breeze kissed my cheeks, and I watched the bird, perched on a branch. As if it felt my attention, it looked my way.
Seconds later, it took flight.
I wished I could do that right now—take to the skies and lose myself in clouds.
I’m so sorry…
I’d been fighting for so long. I supposed, in my naiveté, I hadn’t believed I wouldn’t be healed. Yes, many treatments had failed for me, but I always thought there would be something that took, that one of the treatments would work. It was just a question of which.
My heart increased in rhythm. I curled my hands into fists, but that detached feeling was still in place, like my true self had been sequestered somewhere inside of my mind.
I moved to the porch swing and sat down.
The door opened behind me, and I turned to see my parents walking through. For the first time in a couple of hours, I smiled. “How did I know you wouldn’t be able to stay away?”
Mama smiled, but that smile quickly turned to sorrow as tears began spilling from her eyes. Mama and Daddy flanked me on the swing’s bench seat. They each took hold of my hands, and for a moment, they felt like mine again.
“Darlin’,” Daddy said. I turned to him. “How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know,” I said, then shook my head. “No, I’m numb.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I think I’m in shock.” My mama wiped her eyes. I turned away to lay my head on her shoulder, looking out onto the fields behind our house, and the wood that sat to the side. I adored this view. “I just never thought we’d get here.”
“Neither did we,” Daddy said, and my mama wrapped her arms around me. “Neither did we.” Nothing else was said. What was there to say? So we sat out on the porch until the sun set and stayed awhile longer, as the moon became visible in the sky, reminding us that another of my now-limited days was done.
I had no idea what would happen from here on out, so for now, I’d drink in the world, while I sat beside my two favorite people, and just breathe.
Two days later, we were back in Dr. Long’s office. We had no idea why we were here, and despite how much I had warned my heart not to get too excited, I couldn’t help but feel a flicker of hope.
My daddy and mama were sitting close to me. In the past two days, they had barely let me go. The last forty-eight hours had brought with it myriad emotions. But the detachment stayed. I found myself catching my reflection and not recognizing the girl before me—though that had happened many times over the course of my treatment. Month by month, I felt I had turned into someone else, looked like someone completely different. Only one thing had remained the same.
My love of writing.
A flash of pain cut through me again. Despite the pain I knew was coming, the weakness, the slowly dying day by day, the one thought that felled me most was that I wouldn’t become a writer like I’d planned. My dreams, my plans…all of them would turn to vapor.
My heart almost stuttered to a halt when I realized I would never fall in love. I was seventeen and had never been in love. I hadn’t ever been kissed. No boy had held my hand. I’d never gotten my happily ever after.
And now I never would.
The door clicked open behind us. Dr. Long gave us a smile as he made his way to his desk chair. “Hello, thank y’all for coming in.”
“Is everything okay?” my daddy asked.
My heart seemed to jump into my throat as I waited for Dr. Long to speak.
Mama and Daddy each took hold of my hands, squeezing them tightly. Dr. Long held some papers in his hands, and I realized his expression was different than it had been two days ago. It held what appeared to be a hint of…hope?