Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 75999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 380(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 380(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
“I don’t know. I just feel it down to my bones that there’s something wrong with him. Every time I see him with Cass, I get this cold, nauseated feeling, and I just wanna punch something.” I have to drink more hot chocolate because my blood pressure is rising at the thought of them fucking to make up. I hope Logan finds a spider on the sofa while they’re doing it. Because yes, I left one. I’m a bad person. But only one, for plausible deniability.
Aaron goes all quiet, just watching me with those weirdly piercing eyes. “Maybe you need to follow their lead, you know? Go on a date or two?” He eventually suggests, but there’s no conviction in his voice.
I huff and cross my arms on my chest. “I’m burned out on chicks. I don’t know if it’s my ex or what, but I don’t want to date right now. All I want to do is to hang out with Cass, go on adventures and eat nice food without having to consider Logan. Is that really so much to ask? When we were kids, we planned that we’ll see all the national parks together, that we’ll never stop going on adventures, and now this guy is in the way of all that.”
“Uh-huh,” Aaron mumbles, resting his sharp chin on the palm of his hand. “You know what, my therapist would have said you’re jealous.”
I swallow that bitter pill. “I guess I am jealous of his time. But can you blame me? We all only have twenty-four hours in a day. If he’s hanging out with Logan, then we’re not having that movie night or going hiking.”
“Yeah, but you also have other friends. Maybe even other than me,” Aaron said with a smirk.
Sure, there’s the friends I made at the pool, people I have classes with, the old lady whose dog I walk sometimes, and the girl I met at the grocery shop.
“But it’s different with him…” I stare into my cup.
It’s as empty as my heart feels.
No one could ever replace Cass for me. Even when I was head over heels in love with Emily, he still played first fiddle. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t seem to feel the same way.
He’s probably so busy with Logan he doesn’t even remember our argument anymore.
“Look, Matt, it might be a long shot, but hear me out with an open mind, okay?” Aaron finally asks, capturing my gaze. “What if you’re not just jealous of his time? What if you’re jealous of… you know… him,” he muses, with sadness twisting his lips.
That now familiar nervous feeling twists in my stomach. I’m finally hearing what Aaron is saying. And I’m not dismissing it right away.
This is bad.
Very bad.
I swallow, unable to speak as I process this concept, rolling it back and forth in my head.
I do like how Cass smells. I love his jokes. He’s super handsome.
But it doesn’t mean I’m gay, does it?
I don’t want to touch him.
…Or do I want to touch him?
We’re bros, dudes, best friends.
I sit there in silence, thinking back to how I picked him up to the counter today, how I stood between his legs, and how, possibly-maybe, I felt something when touching his thighs.
I flinch when Kai passes by, leaving an espresso and a pastry.
“You’re thinking about it,” Aaron says so softly I barely hear him over the music.
My insides are tangled like a pretzel. “What if I don’t hate Logan, but hate him touching Cass?” I whisper, feeling so cold I wish I had more hot chocolate.
Aaron shrugs. “Not everyone has things figured out right away. And people are complicated. My aunt was married for ten years before she realized she’s actually a lesbian, and then there are bisexual people, who don’t always like men and women in equal amounts. It can totally be a ratio of nine to one.”
Now that Aaron planted this idea in my head, my imagination begins to conjure fantasies at an alarming pace. Cass wrestling with me, and then he’s on top, and then—oops, we’re naked, and I’m getting hot under the collar because I don’t hate it.
All those times when I watched movies with my head in his lap felt so natural. I never questioned him stroking my hair, or myself enjoying his hugs.
“B-but I’ve been with a few girls, and I could… you know, finish.” Now that I say it, it sounds so underwhelming. I always figured my sex drive just wasn’t very high. And with Emily, we had sex, like, once a week. Or every two weeks or something.
I never particularly pushed the issue and often preferred to take care of business myself. But does that actually mean something? I have no idea, and I hate it.
“Yeah, well, most gay guys can. It’s nice to have sex, plus there’s always fantasies. Maybe… maybe you could see for yourself?”