Total pages in book: 138
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
“You’re doing the lip thing,” Josh says, squeezing my knee. “What’s on your mind, baby? Still buzzing over Vinnie?”
I laugh, and do a claw motion with both hands.
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop buzzing over Vinnie,” I tell him. “That kind of amazing is crazy amazing.” I take a moment to appreciate another round of butterflies. “Nope. It’s not going anywhere. I think I’ll be buzzing over Vinnie Hampton for the rest of my days.”
“Not surprised. There aren’t many entertainers who’d get a taste of that guy’s cum. I’m lucky to have got a second-hand sample.”
Josh looks at me with adoration and ease. No possessiveness, or insecurity. No shame in what we do.
I didn’t think I had any shame, either. I never thought there was any shame in being an entertainer, right from day one, but it’s not what I thought of the world of proposals that was at the crux of it. It’s what other people might be thinking of me that put the shame and the fear into my heart. Feeling judged and on trial, even when I wasn’t realising it.
I owe Vinnie a helluva big thanks for bringing the truth to my attention.
I look back out over the cityscape, wondering again who is out there, and how many people know me. How many people know my name?
I’ve been so petrified of being recognised, but it wasn’t about me. It was about dragging everyone else into that recognition with me. Josh, my parents, Tiff, Eb… Heath. But they all know what I do, and they all love me anyway.
I need to start loving myself like they do. Ella, not just Holly the whore, in the confines and safety of The Agency.
Go me on the self-coaching!
“I miss Heath,” I say aloud, and Josh squeezes my knee again.
“I know, baby. Me, too. Just a few more days to go now. I can’t wait to get my arms around him.” He smirks. “And my cock inside him.”
I turn to my boyfriend, running my fingers through his freshly washed hair.
“We need to work out this return to normal stuff before we see him. If we aren’t clear on what we want, then how can he be?”
Josh shifts at my words, sitting upright.
“What does return to normal mean to you, Ells?”
“I don’t know.” I feel myself doing the lip thing again. “I guess I thought I did. Just carrying on like we were, proposals fenced off, having the time of our lives when we were with him, and keeping him shielded from it when we weren’t. But is that what we really want? Any of us?”
Josh’s eyes dig into mine.
“Is it what you really want?”
I pause, picturing the beloved Heath as my heart pangs.
“Urgh, it’s so hard. Just imagine he was here with us now, yeah? It could be like it was in Cannes anywhere. It would be like that right here, in Belgravia. The location doesn’t matter shit, it would still be the same. It would still be amazing.”
“Yeah, it would be.”
“So, isn’t that more normal than the proposals we had before? Isn’t the new stuff more normal than the old? The months apart were terrible. More of that doesn’t even bear thinking about.”
Josh doesn’t speak. He stares out of the window along with me, both of us sitting in silence as our minds ponder.
“I’d love Heath here with us now,” he says finally. “I think all three of us would. But Heath is still a client. He’s User 1543, a regular on The Agency booking system. He pays us for proposals, just like everyone else, and it started that way because he wanted it that way.” He sighs. “The lines can get blurred so easily. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees.”
“The lines are already blurred, and the woods are packed with so many trees I can’t even think straight. The lines were blurred the very moment we got on that plane for Cannes.”
I lean my head against Josh’s. I let out a groan.
He traces his fingers in patterns around my knee.
“The lines were blurred way before that for me, but Heath is an introvert. His career is very important to him. So is his elusive reputation. A man of mystery.”
“Not important enough that he didn’t want to see us when things were turning to shit. He was so fucked off with us for keeping him out.”
“So fucked off with me. You had nothing to do with it.”
“That isn’t a normal client. He will never be a normal client.” I turn to my boyfriend. “What if normal is meant to be more than that? Would Heath be so ashamed of being associated with the pair of us that he wouldn’t be able to cope? I’m not so sure he’s as elusive as you think. Not when it comes to us.”