Total pages in book: 138
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
I know Josh’s view of things is spot on, but it hurts. It feels unjust, and fake, and like losing a chunk of our soul.
We are seeing the love of Cannes in human form again this evening. That should be enough on its own.
“This is what you’ve been churning over, isn’t it?” I ask Josh. “You’ve been trying to be logical and stable, and…” I take my hands from his and wave them around, struggling for words.
“And me, Ells. I’ve been trying to be me,” he says. “That’s who I am.”
I have to smile at that. I see the genuine love in his eyes.
“Protective. Brave. Steady.” I pause. “Brilliant.”
“Protective, brave and steady. Sure, I’ll take that.” He sighs. “Not so sure about brilliant. Mulling this over hasn’t been easy. I’ve had my wobbles, but we all need protection here. All of us.”
I shake my head. Run my hand down his cheek.
“You’re taking this angle for me and Heath. Don’t lie. You’re at the back of the queue in your world.”
“And that’s where I want to stay, even if it chews my guts up.” He takes my hands again. “It’ll hurt like a motherfucker if Heath wants to pull away and build the walls of normality back around us at a decent height, but that’s the most sane course of action. I’ll push it, if he doesn’t. He’s the one in the spotlight, we’re trying to stay out of it. He’s the one with cameras flashing in his face every day. We’re trying to stay away from them. That’s how it needs to be. Even if it hurts.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, but I nod.
“Ok. Fine. That sounds cool.”
“It’s not ok. You’re lying. In your world, it sounds like hell.”
“Touche. But you’re right. And normality is safe. It’s good. It’s what we’ve been dreaming of.” I think back to the weeks of desperation, when normality seemed a world away.
“So, we’re in agreement, are we?” Josh asks. “The ideal outcome is that things return to how they were before Cannes? Great fun and great times, with as little risk as possible? Are we going to be on the same side?”
I nod again.
“We’ll always be on the same side, Josh. Even if it sucks.” I sigh as he takes my plate and tips the half-eaten slice of toast in the bin. “Well, this wasn’t exactly how I expected the conversation to pan out.”
He shoots me a glance, a smirk on his face.
“You expected joy and cheers, and we’ll grab him tight and never let go? Believe me, that’s what my heart has been screaming for. I’m glad we had two weeks to prepare for this, because for those first few days, I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. Not in a million years.”
Once again, I’m surprised by Josh’s rational strength, and his dedication to the security of those he loves. It goes so far. And that’s what saved me in the darkness.
It’s what will keep Heath safe, too.
“Heath is a sharp guy,” Josh says. “He’s also an introvert with a massive career. His head might need a bit of help to rule his heart, and we might need to help him with that.” He pauses. “Part of me hopes he does need help with that, because I know the feelings in Cannes were all real, for all of us, but the other part of me hopes he’s already reached the sensible zone.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“His proposal didn’t exactly sound like he has.”
“No, it didn’t. Which is why we might need to help him get there.”
I put my head in my hands. “I’ll try. Not sure how well I’ll do, but I’ll try.”
“You’ll succeed. To have Heath in our lives for the long haul, the safest route is the steady one. That’s what is most important.”
“Regular bookings. Safe and sound. I get it.”
“Regular contact, and the chance to enjoy time with him.”
I feel like a bit of an idiot, because underneath all the scared what ifs were the happy ones. The excited ones. The crazy ones that dreamt on some stupid level that we’d jet off back to Cannes and jump right back into the insane world of bliss that enveloped us there. That we’d all be blubbing with I love yous, and can’t live without yous, and insane ideas of how we could make the beautiful energy of Cannes work back here in London.
Josh is looking at me as I stare into the distance. I connect back to his stare with a stomach thump.
“I’ve been dreaming too, don’t worry,” he says. “A magical fairytale castle, where we could wave each other off to work and live out our lives every day, and be a trio of kinky, loved up romanticists around it. But that isn’t our life. Our life is here. The two of us. With Heath as a client, now it’s hopefully safe enough to get the proposals booked back in.”