Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 95520 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 478(@200wpm)___ 382(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95520 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 478(@200wpm)___ 382(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
“Friendship,” he scoffs. “I thought this was more than a friendship.”
“It is, but is it worth losing everything we are if we keep going like this?”
“How is this not ruining us?”
“Bent, you have your team. You’re moving soon. You wouldn’t be here with me anyway.”
He stumbles over to flop down on the couch beside me. Dropping his head in his hands, he sits silently for a few beats. I swipe at my tears as my heart slowly crumbles.
“What happened to us getting through anything together?” he chokes out.
“You’re not allowing me to be in this with you. The more I try, the more you push me away. I’m tired, Bent.
“You’re not the only one hurting. I think … I think I’m saving us. We can’t keep going like this.”
“So you’re abandoning me?”
“What? I’m not … how could you say that? I lost my father too. Have I forced you to only see my loss? No, I’ve been here for you.
“Draft day, I was by your side. When I saw the look on your face as your name was called and you looked to those two empty seats, I held my shit together and poured everything I had left into you.
“Then I cried that night because I not only missed my dad but yours too. I cried into my palms while hiding in the bathroom, so I didn’t steal your night. Bentley, I lost my career, my scholarship, and my father in what feels like one breath.
“I’m not abandoning you. I’m trying to save what’s left of myself. Leaving you is taking from me the only thing I have left.
“I have nothing,” I sob-yell. “But I refuse to be nothing. If I stay, that’s what I’ll be. Nothing but your emotional whipping post.”
“Zah, baby, I’m sorry. I know I’m not handling this right. I … where are you going?”
I shake my head and limp to the door. I’ve made up my mind. My mother needs me, and I deserve better.
This isn’t the man I love right now. I can only hope he heals and returns, but this toxic loop we’re in, it’s not for me.
“We both have a lot we need to work through. I don’t think that can happen while we’re together. As your friend, I’m always a call away. As your girlfriend, I hope we can find our way back someday.
“I love you, Bent. You go make your dream happen. You give them hell. I’ll be watching.”
With that, I leave before I’m not able to. This is the second hardest thing I’ve had to do. Burying my father was the first.
It feels like nothing will ever be the same. I make it to my car and fall apart behind the wheel. I sob so hard I think I’m going to throw up.
Bentley
The door clicks shut, and I feel like my life has just walked out of that door. I want to be angry at her, but I can’t be. Everything she said was true.
“I’m sorry,” I sob into the empty space.
It’s happening again. I can’t say a word to Zah without putting my foot in my mouth. I never mean for us to get into fights, but I just can’t find the words for what I’m really trying to say.
I want to ask her if she’s okay. If there’s anything I can do. I want to talk about how we’re both feeling and how we can help each other through it.
I’m frustrated because I want to be there for her. I want to stop the nightmares that wake her up at night. The nightmares she’s not talking to me about, but I know about because I’m up all night trying to avoid my own.
We’re both fucked up and probably should take some time apart, but I miss her already. I was going to ask her to come with me. Finish her degree while we start fresh.
Now I’m stuck here staring into my palms, wondering what I’m going to do next as tears stream down my face. Grabbing one of the throw pillows to scream into, I then bring it to my face. Her scent hits me in the face immediately.
I didn’t even sob this hard after losing my father. She’s gone. Zah left me.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know what to do. I’m so fucking sorry,” I sob.
CHAPTER 26
Not Alone
Zahirah
Two months later …
“Hey, Mom. I’m going to grab a bite and a milkshake. You want anything?” I call through the house as I grab my car key.
I need some fresh air. Today has been rough. I’ve been torturing myself watching clips of Bentley during OTAs. He looks good but distracted at times.
In the last two months, he’s been one of the main stories on rotation. How he lost his father and a close family friend only a month before being drafted in the first round. They’ve been questioning his mental ability to be ready for this.