Total pages in book: 169
Estimated words: 161535 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 808(@200wpm)___ 646(@250wpm)___ 538(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 161535 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 808(@200wpm)___ 646(@250wpm)___ 538(@300wpm)
“That is not the point! I meant what are we going to do about your other Aspect?”
But Kalos eyes me with consideration. “Are you a virgin?”
I sputter. “What? No! That doesn’t have anything to do with anything—”
“Not a virgin, not saving yourself for marriage…why wouldn’t you want to have sex with me? I assure you I’ll make it good. Better than good. I have centuries upon centuries of experience.”
“We’re not having sex.”
“It’s not a big deal. Sex is just two bodies grunting against one another until both feel delicious. Why so uptight over it?”
Uptight? “Because it’ll change things between us.”
“Will it? Is that such a bad thing?” Kalos traces his finger on the blankets. It’s an obvious invitation, and my skin prickles in response. “Were you completely satisfied with where we were? You haven’t wanted more?”
My protest dies in my throat. Haven’t I been wondering what he thinks? Why he’s never made a move? After he rescued me from Seth, it was like a switch got flipped between us. “You…you never kissed me again. After that time.”
This time, his smile is apologetic. “I’m Apathy, my darling dearest. It’s hard for me to do anything I want to do. It’s hard for me to make it through every day.” He glances down at his cock and gives me a coy grin. “And now I’m just hard.”
“So…now that you’re feeling better, we just have loads of crazy sex?”
“Why not?”
“Because…” Because why? Because I’m terrified of how I’ll feel? Because I’ll get too attached? Because I might enjoy myself too much and I’ve been feeling like a martyr this whole time? Saint Elsie the self-sacrificing? And if I take pleasure in this world and my partner, I’m no longer the martyr and that scares me?
What the fuck does that say about me? That it’s easier to be a martyr than to be happy?
I get to my feet, thoughts racing. “I need to think.”
“Of course you do. You like to overthink everything, Elsie.” He rolls back on the bed and puts his hands behind his head. “I’ll be here. In bed. Waiting.”
I know I’m retreating, but I race back out of the monastery and into the fresh air, sucking in deep breaths. I feel the desperate need to move about, to do something to distract myself, so I climb the fence, heading into the open pasture with the goats. Dingle is there and races to my side, butting my leg and trying to chew on my skirts. Finding a grassy spot, I sit with him and scratch his sides and his neck while he chews on my braid.
And I think. And think.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Do I not know how to be happy? To do something for myself? Because as much as I want to grab Kalos and jump him and into that bed with him, an equally large part of me feels wrong about it. My head is fucked, and I know it’s because I’ve self-sacrificed for so long that I’ve made it my entire personality. When David got sick, I immediately jumped into action, abandoning my college classes and taking as many jobs as I could handle so I could pay the bills for both of us. I cleaned up after him, handled the bills, drove him to his appointments, and forgot all about myself, because David needed me more.
Now that I’m here in this world, am I not doing the exact same thing? Putting aside my own needs and wants to be the perfect assistant that Kalos needs? A romantic entanglement would be a mess. It would change things between us. It could end in heartbreak, because he’s a god and he doesn’t think the same as I do.
Or it could be utterly glorious. It could be mind-blowing and fill whatever time I have here with incredible joy and pleasure each day.
And that might be even scarier. It’s like I’m afraid to be happy now. It won’t last.
I play with Dingle’s ears, stroking the soft fur until he gets bored and races off to play with the other goats. The wind rustles the tall grasses, rippling my skirts and pulling at my hair, and I gaze up at the sky. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the weather is just the right temperature, and no one is sick. There are no bills to pay. No monotonous day jobs to grind away at for eight hours before changing clothes and heading to the next shift. There’s a handsome man waiting in bed to “nibble on all my pretty parts.”
Maybe that’s the bit that terrifies me. That if I’m not caretaking, I might not be enough to keep him interested.
Groaning, I bury my face in my hands. “Elsie, you really do overthink everything.”
I stay out in the field for a while longer, toying with blades of grass and letting my emotions roll over me like a storm. I’m scared and worried and ashamed of how I’ve acted. I want to take what Kalos is offering, and I’m terrified of the changes it’ll mean for us.