Total pages in book: 169
Estimated words: 161535 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 808(@200wpm)___ 646(@250wpm)___ 538(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 161535 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 808(@200wpm)___ 646(@250wpm)___ 538(@300wpm)
Elsie Anderson. Last seen 2025. Missing but never forgotten. Always loved.
A memory bench. Didn’t we joke that if David passed, I’d get him a bench in a park so I could feed the pigeons in his honor? I’m surprised he remembered. Maybe he didn’t get me a gravestone because I went missing and settled for this instead. It feels more meaningful, and I ache with the thoughtfulness of it.
“I hope wherever you are, that you’re happy,” my brother says. “I hope you’re safe. I hope I get an answer someday as to what happened and why you disappeared.”
“He won’t,” Lachesis whispers unhelpfully.
I shoot her a dirty look, moving closer and studying David’s face. He takes the cap off and closes his eyes, tilting his face towards the sun and he looks good. His skin has color, and he’s put on weight. His hair is thinning on top, but he’s got hair and eyebrows, which tells me he’s not on chemo. It takes me a moment to realize he’s wearing dark blue scrubs, and there’s a badge at his hip. A nurse? A doctor? Something medical, though, and my heart surges with joy for him. I glance back at Lachesis. “How long has it been since I went missing? For him?”
“Five years.”
“Five years?!”
“Time moves differently in the mortal realm.” She shrugs. “Have you seen enough?”
“No,” I say quickly and sit down on the bench across from my brother. Leaning in, I study his face, memorizing small details. The stress line that lived between his brows is gone, his cheeks no longer hollow. He looks so good, I think fondly, watching as he folds his baseball cap in one hand.
Lachesis makes a frustrated sound and a moment later, I hear the flick of her lighter as she decides to have another cigarette.
I absorb these moments with my brother as he talks to the “bench,” updating it with everything going on in his life. He’s been in remission for four years now—no evidence of disease. An experimental clinical trial worked wonders for him, and he’s never felt better. He’s taken up running. He won a stupid amount of money on a lottery ticket that he bought on a whim, and used it to pay off his medical debts. He’s not vegan, but his wife is. He cheats and eats hamburgers when she’s out of the house, and they both chuckle about it when he gets caught. The moment he mentions his wife, his demeanor changes. He touches the ring on his finger, a soft smile on his face.
I see that ring and I’m both overwhelmed with joy for him…and envious.
So damn envious.
“I can’t help but feel that we traded off, somehow, Els,” my brother whispers to the bench. “That you gave your life for mine in some way. That one of us had to die so the other could live. It’s crazy, I know, but that’s what it feels like. And…I hate that I’m not sorry. I’m glad that I’m the one that gets to live. And I know that’s wrong.”
“It’s not wrong,” I tell him, even though he can’t hear me. “It was the deal I made.”
“But I’ve got such an amazing life now. You’d be amazed. My wife—”
A hand touches my arm. “Come on. We’ve got to get a move on,” Lachesis says. “He’s just going to vomit more of the same. Platitudes, misses you, loves his wife, yadda yadda. It’s the same shit every year he visits.”
I get to my feet, even as I protest. “I want to hear it—”
“And I want two firm D-cups that never sag.” She tilts her head, indicating we should leave. “But nobody ever gets everything they want. You’ve spent enough time here. You know he’s good now. We can move on.”
Nobody ever gets everything they want.
The words stick to my mind like static cling. They reverberate in my head over and over again. Nobody ever gets everything they want. Nobody ever gets everything they want.
I think of my brother, who’s well now. Has a wife and a child. Has everything I wanted for him.
Nobody ever gets everything they want.
I got what I wanted out of my deal with Lachesis, I’m realizing…and I’m also realizing it’s not enough.
I want more.
I want what my brother has with his wife. I want that tenderness, that companionship, that forever. I want Kalos. I want him to know he’s not alone, that I understand him. I want him to know that if he’s too world-weary to do his job, I’ll pick up the slack. I want to be his constant companion, because being here doesn’t feel like I’m home. I can’t peacefully go on to the Afterlife. I can’t relax, knowing that he’s been left alone without anyone that truly understands him.
I belong with Kalos.
I turn to the goddess. “I lied. I said I’d go quietly but I can’t. I need you to take me back to Kalos.”