Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Over the following week, I stopped by the hospital every day after class. On the weekend, I spent most of the days there, studying at his bedside while his parents grabbed food and showered at their hotel.
It was, in fact, bacterial meningitis. And while he was feeling much better, his hearing was not any better. The doctors said it was rare to have profound hearing loss from meningitis, but not impossible.
You get to check out tomorrow. Are you excited?
He stared at the paper. Then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and leaned his head back while exhaling. Every day was a struggle to stay focused on the positive things. Plenty of people died of meningitis. Despite the late diagnosis and treatment, Ben was alive. Still, I felt like a fraud for trying to sell the “at least you’re alive” angle.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. How you must feel. I’m here for you.
I tapped his hand, and he opened his eyes to read my words. A few seconds later, his gaze slid to mine as if he was trying to gauge my sincerity. I lowered the rail to his hospital bed and crawled in beside him, resting my hand over his heart.
Maybe he couldn’t hear me.
Maybe he doubted my words on a piece of paper.
But maybe he could feel me.
And maybe he could think of all the times I found solace in his arms, and how my hand always navigated to a spot over his heart because Ben had the biggest heart of anyone I had ever known.
After I counted his chest rise and fall ten times, he rested his hand over mine. I closed my eyes and prayed for him to hear again, and I prayed for him to forgive me if he didn’t.
Ben was a lot of amazing things, but he was still human. Not super human. If he never regained his hearing, he would think of me and how my fear of facing him after what we did led me to avoid him. I abandoned him when he needed me the most.
After a few minutes, I sat up. Ben rewarded me with a sad smile, but it was a smile. I took whatever he would give me. I grabbed the pad of paper and pen.
I know I’m not as smart as you, but I will help you catch up on all of your homework. I’ll even write your short story for creative writing class. I got an A on mine.
He offered a repeat of his sad smile and said, “I’m going home.”
“What do you mean?”
He held a hand to his ear. So I wrote it down.
What do you mean?
“I’m deaf. There’s nothing for me here.”
I hated the word deaf. It sounded so permanent. I preferred to think he couldn’t hear at the moment, that it was temporary. Tears stung my eyes because I was here. Was I “nothing?”
“I’ll see a specialist closer to home.”
I grabbed the pen.
There are students here who are hearing impaired.
Ben shrugged.
You can’t leave me.
“What am I supposed to study?” he asked, and it was loud. Was it on purpose or was he having trouble finding an appropriate volume like the doctor said might happen?
Ben scrubbed his hands over his face, and I didn’t know if his frustration was over me not wanting him to leave or if he was upset that he couldn’t regulate the volume of his voice.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Carmen asked.
I turned and stood as she and Alan came into the room. “Ben just told me he’s dropping out and going home. But that’s ridiculous. Right?”
They looked at Ben and then back to me.
“Given his circumstances, we think it’s best for him to return home. Maybe he can re-enroll next semester or next year. But right now, we need to find out if or when he’ll be able to hear again. Or if he’s going to need hearing aids or surgery. There’s a lot to figure out. And right now, we don’t know how he’ll learn if he can’t attend classes and he doesn’t know sign language.” Alan offered me a similar smile, dripping with empathy because I was too stupid to see that school was no longer his biggest concern.
“What about his scholarship?” I asked.
“We’ll apply for a deferral,” Carmen said.
All three of us startled when Ben threw the pad of paper at us, hitting my arm.
“I can’t hear you.” Again, his volume was too high. “Stop talking about me when I can’t hear you.”
Pain wrinkled Carmen’s brow, and she plucked the paper from the floor and wrote:
I’m sorry. We were just telling Gabby that you’re going home and we’re looking into having your scholarship deferred.
Ben read it then looked at me.
I didn’t know what he expected me to say or write or feel for that matter. So I shrugged and shook my head. “I have homework to do.” I held up my hand in a stiff wave.