Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
You’d know if you’d learn sign language.
“You learned it?”
She nodded with a big smile, then her nose crinkled while she held up her thumb and forefinger an inch apart.
A little.
“Well, go find some other deaf person who gives a shit.”
She shoved my chest, her lips moving a mile a minute, face red. Then she wrote another message.
I’ve been taking ASL three nights a week JUST to talk to you. Why are you being such a jerk?
Because you deserve better than me.
But I couldn’t tell her that. She wouldn’t see it or understand.
“Good job making it about you, Gabbs,” I said, staring at the ceiling. “Everyone makes it about them. How they feel. All the things they’ve done. How their life has changed. Unless you can give me my hearing back, then leave me the hell alone.”
You blame me.
She shoved the paper in my face.
No. I could never blame her, but maybe she’d run and save herself if I didn’t deny it.
I laughed. “Still about you.”
What am I supposed to say?
“What are you supposed to say? Again … still about you.”
I hate that this happened to you!
“You. You. You. It’s always about you. You’re in love with Matt. You follow him to college. You can’t stop talking about him. You don’t know how to kiss. You need other people to take you to a party. You feel bad for kissing me when you’re supposed to kiss him. You avoid me because you’re uncomfortable. You don’t understand why I’ve dropped out of school. The whole fucking world doesn’t revolve around you.”
Except it did. My world revolved around her, but I couldn’t tell her because I was scared it would burden her to be the center of my world.
My. Shitty. Awful. World.
So it was easier, maybe even necessary, to push her away.
Gabby stood with a blank expression, then she lifted her arm, making a fist before slowly raising her middle finger.
It took everything I had left, which wasn’t much, to keep from grinning. I didn’t recognize the girl flipping me off. Did I create her? Mold her from my miserable existence? Did I sharpen her with each lash of my tongue?
Her lips moved into a slow and undeniable “fuck you.” For that one moment, I liked not hearing her. It had a grander effect to think she was mouthing the words, craftily clinging to a piece of her Biblical innocence by choosing a muted gesture.
“Did you learn that in ASL?” I smirked.
Keeping her chin high, she pivoted, took all the unopened letters she sent me, and exited my bedroom.
I was the world’s biggest asshole, by plan, of course. I loved her too much to accept her pity. I loved her too much to let her be with anyone but Matthew Fucking Cory.
I loved her too much.
I loved her more than she loved me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
TEARS FOR FEARS, “HEAD OVER HEELS”
Gabby
“Was your break better than mine?” Olivia asked as we unpacked our bags Sunday night. “My parents spent the whole time fighting. I couldn’t wait to leave.”
“It was fine,” I said, returning to my favorite word.
“Did you see Ben?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s he doing?”
I grunted. “He’s taking self-pity to a new level. I bet he could get into the Guinness Book of Records with his level of pity.”
“Seriously? That doesn’t seem like Ben. I thought he was more confident and positive than that.”
“Well, Olivia, it’s not about you and what you think.”
“What?” She laughed. “I didn’t mean—”
I shook my head. “I’m kidding. That’s just what Ben kept throwing at me. I couldn’t say anything that involved the word I or me. I can’t believe he treated me that way after …”
“After what? Everything you’ve been through?”
“Yeah. That too.”
“You’re acting weird. I told you, I’m not crushing on him or anything like that. You can totally tell me everything.”
I twisted my lips, considering what good could come from telling her. Probably nothing. But I needed to vent. “We did something, and afterward, he was so mean that I didn’t recognize him. Then I did something I’ve never done, and it felt really good in the moment, but now I regret it. I don’t like when someone brings out the worst in me, and that’s what he did.”
She shook her head. “You lost me. What did you do?”
I wrinkled my nose. “I gave him the middle finger.”
“Oh. Wow. You?” Again, she shook her head. “But no. I don’t mean that. You said ‘we did something.’ What did you and Ben do?”
I bit my thumbnail.
Olivia’s eyes widened. “Oh my god. Did you have sex?”
“No. Well, kind of, but not really.”
“What does that mean? Oral sex?”
I shook my head.
“He fingered you?”
Another headshake.
“Anal?”
My eyes bulged. “No!”
“Then what?”
I folded and refolded the same pair of jeans.
“I’m your friend.” Olivia laughed. “You can tell me.”
“Our clothes stayed on the whole time, but we kissed and he was on top of me, and we sort of …” I tugged at my sweatshirt’s neck, feeling really warm.