Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 96752 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 484(@200wpm)___ 387(@250wpm)___ 323(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 96752 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 484(@200wpm)___ 387(@250wpm)___ 323(@300wpm)
He’s not listening to me. “This is about Reid walking away. Not my dad.”
“Everything is about your dad,” Darnell insists. “Everything. Give me one thing Reid has done in the month you’ve been basically living and working with him that tells you he wants to walk away.”
I love the way he put that. It lets me pivot back to my original point. “The fact that he literally walked away.”
Darnell’s eyes roll. “No, just let me make an appointment with my therapist guy.”
I am so frustrated. “He walked away.”
Darnell sighs and sits back. “It sounds to me like he ran away, and until you understand why you can’t know what’s really happening between the two of you.”
And he’s neatly summed up the issue. “He won’t tell me. Believe me, I’ve asked.”
He considers me for a moment, and I almost think he’s going to leave it at that. It might be for the best since he doesn’t understand. Or maybe I don’t. Instead, his voice goes soft. “How much does he mean to you?”
I don’t want to admit how much, but I guess honesty is the best policy here. “I care about him.”
“Do you see yourself having any chance at a future with this man?”
“No.” I groan and lean forward, setting my mug down on the coaster. “That’s the thing. I don’t see us together. How would it work? He wants to put together a new show, and this is my one and only. I’m worried about the next board meeting and the vote. If I take more time off, I lose the company to Paul. Even if Reid stays in the city most of the time, I work so much. I put in fourteen-hour days most of the time.”
“How will any relationship work if you have that mindset?” His expression softens. “And this is what I mean when I talk about therapy. It’s great for figuring out why you do the things you do. Especially the things that make a person miserable, that sabotage our growth and happiness. Have you considered the fact that working as hard and long as you do means you can’t have a relationship?”
“Yes. Of course. I told you.” I wonder if that’s why Reid went into therapy. He said he did it after the accident. It’s the one thing he likes to talk about. Not the accident but how he got help.
“Have you considered that’s precisely the reason you choose to work the way you do?” Darnell asks. “I know in your head you don’t have a choice. I know in your heart you have to do these things because they’re your family and it’s been drilled into you that family comes first. Even when it hurts. Even when they actively harm you. That’s what your parents taught you. But if you were my kid, I would only want one thing for you.”
“To be happy,” a familiar voice says.
I look up and Lydia is standing there still wearing the bright yellow apron she dons when she’s cooking. Lydia Marino is five foot nothing, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes. She has a loveliness that defies the marks of aging. There’s something infinitely warm about Lydia, and I realize it’s why I avoid having these talks with her.
Because I don’t understand. Because her love and affection are unfamiliar to me.
It’s easier with Diane and CeCe because while they’re wonderful and supportive, they don’t hug me and make me want to hug them back. They don’t make me wish things went differently as a kid.
Darnell might be right. I might need therapy.
“Thank god.” Darnell stands and waves a hand around. “I thought I was going to have to handle the whole thing. Lydia, you know I adore you, but I am not good at this mushy stuff.”
Lydia walks right up to him and puts a hand on his cheek, her head turned up because he’s got a foot on her. “I think you were handling that really well. But I’ll take over now. You go and make sure my rolls don’t burn.”
He smiles and practically runs out of the room.
Lydia turns to me. “I don’t like to criticize other people’s parenting styles, but I’m going to make an exception for you. Your mother should want one thing in the world for you. Your happiness. Your family should want the same. Your father raised you to think that all of this is your responsibility, but it’s not. What Darnell is worried about is the fact that you’re using your workload, all that responsibility your parents gave you, so you don’t have to do the scariest thing of all.”
“Actually be in love with someone.” I at least get that part. It makes my eyes water. What I’ve been avoiding all this time is examining my real feelings for Reid. I tell myself it’s all just fun and we’re passing time and having good sex, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s more. It’s the deepest relationship of my life, and I’m going to lose it.