Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 88212 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88212 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
I didn’t know how much I needed to hear those words until he spoke them, but I also know this one conversation won’t magically make things right. That for both of us, this is the beginning of a long-delayed journey.
One it’s time we both take.
Together.
34
Dax
“Hey, how are you doing?” Cedric asks. It’s the first time we’re speaking on the phone since everything went down, but we’ve texted. He’s made sure to check in with me daily, which is the epitome of who Cedric is and why I love him so much.
“Okay…ish. Trying to sort through everything. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about both Mom and Dad.” Though Miles did help me understand that it’s completely normal, that I shouldn’t feel guilty about anything, especially where Mom is concerned, which is what had me twisted up the most. I don’t want to have negative feelings about the memory of the person I always felt was so instrumental in who I am. The one who always showed me she loves me, and I guess that’s the thing. She did something wrong. She lied to me, but I can’t ever doubt she loved me, and that makes the difference.
“Yeah, me too. I’m so fucking sorry, Dax. I know I said it that day, but I need to say it again—I love you. There is no half brother between us. You’re as much my brother as you’ve always been. As for Dad, I won’t accept him treating us differently anymore. I’m sorry I ever did.”
The thing is, he can’t change who my father is, and I don’t want him to. How is it any better for him to treat me like a son if he’s only doing it to make Cedric happy?
“No. You can’t do that. I don’t expect you to do that. You can’t push him into seeing me like his son. He’s never going to feel the same way about me as he does you. I see that now. I don’t even know what I want from him, and honestly, it’s not the most important piece for me. I just need to be okay, and I need us to be okay.”
“We’ll always be okay. You’re more than my brother; you’re my best friend.”
And Cedric is that for me. I’m not sure what the future holds for me and my dad. That’s not something I have to answer right now, but I do know what my future holds for Cedric and me, and for Miles and me.
“You’re my best friend too. That’s what matters to me. Dad is something to figure out later, or never. So can we get to the important stuff, where I tell you I’m totally in love?” I don’t want this phone call to be sad. I’m tired of feeling sad.
“Wow. In love?” There’s shock in his voice, of course, but happiness too. I love sharing this with him, getting back to who we are as brothers and not letting our parents’ mistakes change our relationship.
“Abso-fucking-lutely.”
“And he feels the same?”
“This is me we’re talking about. Who wouldn’t be in love with me?” Cedric laughs, and I continue. “He does. I’ve never felt like this before, Ced. He makes me feel…good, and I always thought I felt good before. Maybe I did, but Miles makes me feel more.”
“Damn. That’s amazing. I’m happy for you. I could tell how much he wanted to protect you on Thanksgiving. The look in his eyes was a little scary.”
It’s my turn to chuckle. In a way, that’s Miles, I guess, but he would never really hurt anyone. All he wants is to protect the people he loves or cares about—me, Caleb with the fire, even his dad’s feelings, by keeping his pain to himself all these years. “He loves big,” I answer.
“He must be something special to get you,” Cedric replies.
He is something special, and even if no one else sees it, I’ll make sure to show him how special he is every day.
“I know, right?” I joke, and then my brother and I continue our conversation, not talking about anything painful, nothing about his dad or our mom, just the kind of things we’ve always enjoyed talking about, which is exactly how I want it. A reminder that nothing has changed between us. And it’s also a good distraction while Miles is with his father. It’s killing me not to be there with him, not to know what’s happening. I’m proud of him for wanting to do this, acknowledging he needs to do it on his own, while wishing I could be by his side so he knows he’s always supported.
When Cedric and I end the call, I head into the kitchen, thinking about how Miles wanted to make cookies for me when I was sad because he knew my mom and I baked together, and that even though she was good at other things, her cookies were the best and it would make me feel close to her. I want to make him feel that good too, want to share with him something my mom did for me.