Total pages in book: 163
Estimated words: 150878 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 754(@200wpm)___ 604(@250wpm)___ 503(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 150878 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 754(@200wpm)___ 604(@250wpm)___ 503(@300wpm)
The back door opened, and Mrs. Swanson stepped outside, smiling as she came toward me. “I’m going to clean this up in the spring,” she said. “It will be a nice space to gather again.” She sat down next to me. “We had so many good times out here, didn’t we?”
Something sharp pierced my heart, and though it hurt, it also made me smile. “I feel my mom out here,” I said. “And Em too.”
I pointed to the portion of patio where she’d always put on her performances for us. “I can still see her there and hear her voice. I knew, even then, that she’d be a star.”
I felt Mrs. Swanson’s gaze on the side of my face and turned toward her. “Oh…oh, you fell in love,” she said. It wasn’t a question; it was as though it’d been written on my face. And maybe it was. This was the one place, I supposed, where I couldn’t have kept my feelings for Emily inside even if I’d tried.
Yes. I had fallen in love with Emily. Only, falling in love with Emily had been like finding a shortcut that led back home. The journey had been effortless because I’d already been halfway there.
God, I missed her. I ached with it.
Even though I hadn’t confirmed what Mrs. Swanson said, her face blossomed in a smile. “You did. Oh. Then why? Why didn’t Emily come back here with you? Why did you separate?”
“Right now? For the promise of safety. Neither one of us knew if you all were…”
“Yes, of course,” she said. “You didn’t know if we’d even be here.” Her gaze drifted away. “So many have died.”
We were quiet for a moment, letting that awful reality settle. “But long term?” she asked.
“I don’t have anything to offer her right now. Even if—when—Emily makes it home, I can’t stay here, clearing land and planting trees.”
“There will be quite a bit more to it than that.”
“I know, but you get my point. For six years, I was purposeless.” I tilted my head, looking up at the night sky, stars just blinking to life. It stretched on and on, just like I remembered from my childhood. “I woke in the morning and ate breakfast and then worked out, read, ate lunch, dinner, went to bed and then woke up and did the same damn thing the next day. I have a chance now to be out there, serving others, making up for the lives that were lost because of me. Emily… Emily deserves someone who doesn’t have the baggage I do. And I…well, I have the chance to offset some of what I did, and who would I be if I didn’t take it?”
“A man who’s decided he deserves some happiness. And some peace.”
“Do I though? The people who were harmed because of me, and those who lost their lives, will never have happiness, or peace, so why should I?”
“Because, Tuck, you still have love in your heart and breath in your lungs. I’m sorry for what you’ve suffered. Sometimes I blame myself for what happened to you.”
“What? Why? No. You had no part—”
“I could have talked to your father and begged him not to let you go to LA. I could have gone there myself and dragged you back and taken you in—”
“I wouldn’t have let you. Please don’t blame yourself. I’m the only one who should bear that burden.”
“I love you though, sweetheart. And when your heart breaks, so does mine. You’ve always been the son I never had, and Mariana would have wanted me to step in more than I did. I let her down, too.”
“No, no. I don’t want you to feel that way. Please don’t. My choices are mine. I made them, and I’m the one who should suffer for them.”
“How long should you suffer? Is there a time limit? Will you know when it arrives?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Or is it putting your own life in danger that you believe is the necessity? Or maybe sacrificing yourself altogether, you being the one to die this time instead of someone else. Will that balance the scales? Is that what you’re after? Because if so, just know that you dying will kill part of us too. And Emily.”
“I’m not suicidal if that’s what you’re asking. I’m just… I’m trying to find redemption.”
I ran my hand through my hair. I was confused and my purpose, the one I’d been so set on, wobbled before me. Emily had made similar points in that laundromat in LA, but it’d been easier to dismiss what she’d said then with the stench of dead bodies all around us and the recent vision of those I cared about rotting in their living rooms.
She reached over and took my hand. “I understand that, I do, and, Tuck, you’ve done heroic deeds to help others who weren’t able to help themselves. When presented the opportunities, you took them and I’m proud of you for that. But will serving strangers really bring you the redemption you’re seeking?”