Total pages in book: 48
Estimated words: 46398 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 232(@200wpm)___ 186(@250wpm)___ 155(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 46398 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 232(@200wpm)___ 186(@250wpm)___ 155(@300wpm)
“Mother,” I answer and I can’t hide the chill in my tone.
I know that’s a protective response. That’s my body reacting to the trauma of my past. I want to be ready for anything she might say or do, so all my senses prepare to take in every word.
“The news, Haley. Have you been watching?”
I take a deep breath, even though I know she’s waiting for me to respond. I can choose to do that however I want. I can hang up the phone, if I want. I can refuse to answer. But that feels like running away without addressing the problem, and I don’t want to do that.
“I’ve asked you to leave me alone,” I tell her, as calmly as I can. “If you call me again, I’ll have the protective order enforced. I’ll go to the judge and tell them you violated it. You know the terms.”
My mom scoffs. There’s a small shake in her voice. “That restraining order is bullshit and you know it, Haley.”
“It’s not bullshit, and you know that, too. We’ve had this conversation before, and I’m getting tired of having to repeat it over and over again.”
“I want to help.” Her voice quavers even more. “I want to help you, Haley. I want to be there for you.”
“That’s not an option for you.”
“But it should be. I’ve apologized. I’ve told you so many times that I didn’t—”
“And I’ve told you that I don’t want to hear from you. You can help me by leaving me alone. If you really care about what I want, you’ll stop violating the restraining order.”
“That order isn’t right.” Her tone turns pleading and defeated, like she really thought I’d change my mind this time. There’s no doubt in my mind that my mom watched the same news broadcast I just did. I don’t know how it made her think she should call me. “It kills me that I can’t be there for you when—”
“When what, Mom? There’s nothing to help me with. You watched whatever you watched, and I’m still not interested in having any contact with you. I’ll never want to have contact with you again. That’s because of what you did.”
“Haley—”
“You can’t go back and change what you’ve done, and I can’t change what I went through and how you didn’t believe me. How you tried to send me back! Now I’m choosing to move forward with my life. That means moving forward without you. That’s my decision, and it’s final.”
“I saw that man outside your office,” her voice cuts through, as if she didn’t hear what I said. She never hears me. She never has.
“Why were you at my office?” I question although a voice at the back of my head is screaming, what man?
My heart races and I have to stand up, I have to move. I can’t sit still any longer.
“Because I wanted to see you. And your boyfriend, don’t think I don’t know,” she adds.
“Are you stalking me?” I question, my voice hitching.
“You should stay away from him, Haley. He’s no good! A mother knows.”
No good? My heart drops. A mother knows?
“You know nothing and you don’t listen. You need to stop!” I tell her and my throat tightens at the last word. Tears prick my eyes. “You’re the one who said I was rotten, let me be by myself and leave me alone.
“But, Haley...” Her breath hitches on the other end of the line. I feel nothing in response. When I was a kid, I would have felt guilty for making her cry. I would have been desperate to help her feel better. Now I don’t feel any of that empathy, at least for her. If she wanted me to feel empathy towards her, she should have given some to me when I needed it most. “I love you. I’m your mother, and I—”
“Don’t contact me again, or I’ll go to the judge. I’m not giving you any more chances.”
I hang up and drop my phone into my lap. It disappears into a fold in the blanket. My chest heaves as I try to steady my breath.
She loves me how she knows how. That part of these conversations—which I never want to have with my mother—is what makes me the most exhausted. My mother claims to love me, but she won’t listen to what I say. All it means is that she feels like I owe her a relationship.
I feel a flicker of hurt. I’m a little sorry for my mother. Not enough to ever want to speak to her again, but sorry that they got sucked in by those people at that school. My father left when I came back, and she was all I had. And I was all she had in many ways too.
The sorry feeling only lasts for a minute or two. Yes, my mother was lied to, but they also had to be the kind of people who would accept those lies. She never looked deeper into what happened at those kinds of places.