Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 97079 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 485(@200wpm)___ 388(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97079 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 485(@200wpm)___ 388(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
We know what he means. Before Mom left we were different. Life with her wasn’t easy, but neither was life without her. The way she left messed us all up. I thought I had relationships figured out with Lisa, but then she left, too.
“Aren’t you afraid it could all just disappear?” The words are out before I think them through. “Shit. Sorry. Ignore me.”
Tristan meets my gaze, empathy all over his face. “Fucking terrified, brother.”
“But you still want to take that risk.” I’ve shut down the conversation when he’s brought this up before, but if I can learn his secret, maybe I can make it work with Essie. Maybe when we’re back in Toronto I can ask her out on a real date and see where this goes. Maybe she’s worth being scared for.
He nods. “My life is better when Bea is in it. I’m a better person with her. Don’t get me wrong, it’s scary as hell to fall in love. But once I stopped fighting all the feelings, falling was easy. The hard part was not sabotaging myself.”
“How did you stop that from happening?” Even if Essie takes a chance on me, I could fuck it all up. I’ve done it before. I need to figure out how to keep it from happening again.
“The first couple of times I failed.” Tristan’s jaw tics. “But every time I shut down on Bea, I caused her pain. The worst part was, at the time, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I was so focused on myself and my own feelings that I couldn’t take her’s into account the way I needed to. I put up walls because I didn’t know what to do with my feelings for her. They were too much, and I was overwhelmed.”
“But you fixed it, right?” I’m desperate for some kind of magic recipe for relationship success.
“Yeah, with a lot of self-reflection and therapy.”
“But then you have to talk about the bad stuff.” Essie offered to listen, but I took her up on a distraction instead. Because talking about my mom hurts, and sex with Essie does not.
“Yup, and it absolutely sucked at the beginning. The first few sessions were rough, especially when I realized how tough I’d made things for Bea, and how I was damaging our relationship by avoiding the difficult things. I broke a few hockey sticks working out my feelings. But Bea and I made a lot of progress, and that made it easier to keep going.” Tristan’s voice is raw with emotion.
“So it’s not as hard now?” I should stop digging at these wounds, his and mine and Dad’s, but I want what Tristan has.
“Most of the time, yeah. Bea and I both have bad days, but we work through them.”
He’s so sure in his conviction that Bea’s worth the pain. He believes in her, and she believes in him. Could I handle therapy if it meant someone as kind and full of love and light as Essie could be mine?
Dad’s eyes bounce between us. “I should have made you boys talk to someone when you were younger.”
“You did. I lasted one session. I told her to go fuck herself, and then I told you to do the same.” Tristan takes a long pull of his beer.
“I should have made you try again,” Dad presses.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Dad.” Tristan shakes his head. “I doubt I would have gotten much out of therapy as a teenager. I was too wrapped up in being angry.”
“You might have been less angry.” Dad looks down at the table, posture stiff. “I know I haven’t been the best relationship role model.”
“We were all just trying to survive,” Tristan says, tone gentle. “You were raising three boys on your own.”
“I had a lot of help,” he says pointedly.
“That kept me out of trouble for the most part. Plus, look at how close we are.” Tristan ruffles my hair. “My genius brother’s my best man. My little bro is probably going to steal my spot on my team in a couple of years. It all worked out the way it was supposed to.”
“I’m proud of you. Both of you.” Dad motions to the cliff. “And the one out there making questionable decisions.” He squints. “Where the heck are they?”
“They’re at the top.” They’re impossible to miss. Sam and Isaac are both massive, and Brody and Chase, while still holding on to the narrowness of youth, are tall and muscular.
Chase approaches the edge and immediately steps back and puts his hands on his thighs. Brody runs his hand through his hair. Isaac and Sam do some knee bends. Sam steps up first, runs to the end of the diving board, and does some wild flip-twist-somersault as he flies through the air. He lands in the water with a graceful splash and pops up a few seconds later, fist pumping.