Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 97079 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 485(@200wpm)___ 388(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97079 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 485(@200wpm)___ 388(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
“Yeah.” He sighs. “You know what the worst part is?”
“What’s that?”
“I didn’t even like her friend. She just kept pushing and pushing. I wish I could take it back.”
I turn to my brother, giving him my full attention. My stomach twists as emotions pass over his face. “What do you mean she kept pushing?”
“She was pushy, like I said.” He scrubs a hand across his face. “So I got her off.”
“Did this girl force herself on you?” I press.
“We didn’t have sex.” His jaw works, and he clenches his fists. “I just wish I could forget it ever happened. I don’t know why I’m talking about this. It’s not like I can undo it, anyway.”
“Okay, we can drop it.” But I definitely want to come back to this when he’s sober. It sounds like something happened that shouldn’t have.
He presses the heels of his hands to his eyes.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Just…my head’s messy.”
“About Enid?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” He drops his hands. “It’s stupid.”
“What’s stupid?” I’m having trouble following his train of thought.
He sighs. “I thought maybe Mom would show up for Tristan’s wedding. I don’t want to see her, but I do, you know? Maybe she did come, and I didn’t even recognize her.”
My chest tightens. She’ll never upend his life again, but that choice was made for him, not by him. “Tristan didn’t want her here,” I remind him.
“I know. I just thought… I don’t know. I don’t remember much about her, but I remember missing her when she was gone, and not understanding what we did that was so wrong that she left.”
“We weren’t the problem,” I assure him. “She was.”
“Yeah. I still wish I understood why, though. Like, what happened to make us all too much for her to love?” He picks at a loose string on his sleeve. “But Tristan has made it okay. Rix is like, amazing and such a good person, and he’s so in love with her, and she’s so in love with him, so maybe there’s still hope for us, too, right?”
“Yeah, Brodes, there’s still hope,” I lie.
His eyes slide closed, and thirty seconds later he’s out cold. I lie there for a long while, head spinning. I’m almost on the edge of sleep when there’s a knock on my door.
I drag myself out of bed and open it a crack.
Essie’s beautiful, anxious face greets me. She’s still wearing her dress, but her hair is falling out of its updo. She’s so beautiful it hurts. But she’s not mine. She’ll never be mine.
She wrings her hands. “Can we talk?”
I step outside and let the door fall closed behind me.
“I was wrong. I should have heard you out. I—”
“You were right. What I thought I was feeling isn’t real.” I can’t trust my own emotions, and she knows more about love than I do.
Her face crumples like crushed tissue paper. “But I—”
“My own mother doesn’t even want me. She put a price tag on my value as a human being and her son.” Besides, she’s probably right. I just got swept up in the wedding buzz. Everything would fall apart when we got home. I’d make sure of that. Better to end it all now than give either of us hope just to take it away again.
She reaches out, but I step back. I can’t handle affection in the form of comfort.
“I can’t love anyone, Essie.” Not the way she deserves. “Especially not you.”
CHAPTER 33
ESSIE
“Okay! All my single ladies line up! It’s time for the bouquet toss since I totally forgot last night!” Rix hops out of her chair.
“That’s you, honey.” Mom nudges me with her arm.
I have not said a word about last night, but she knows something is going on. She’s been super attentive and gentle with me. So has Dad. All it does is make me want to cry.
I slept like trash for obvious reasons. I cried myself to sleep after Nate took back everything he’d said. Erased his words and turned them into acid-dipped knives. He slid into brunch at the last minute this morning. He’s been quiet ever since and looks about as well rested as me. I want to pull him aside, but there hasn’t been an opportunity.
Dred gives my arm a squeeze as she joins me and all the other singles. “How you doing?”
“I’ve been better.” I spent twenty minutes trying to tame my swollen eyelids. I gave up and put on sunglasses, and I refuse to take them off. Thankfully, brunch is an outdoor event.
“You two stop colluding!” Cammie pokes me in the side.
Rix counts down to one and tosses the bouquet over her shoulder, but instead of coming toward us, it boomerangs in Nate’s direction. He’s not expecting it and gets beaned in the face.
“Yes!” Isaac jumps to his feet. “Fuck yeah! You and Essie next year, man! I better get an invite!” According to Hammer and Dred, Isaac spent the entire wedding fending off advances from hotel guests.