Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 75891 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75891 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
A narc like him will never be satisfied with not having the last word, or at the very least, the opportunity to spew his bullshit reasons for being a piece of dog shit. I know from experience it would just be more of his justification of himself, which would somehow work itself around to everything being my fault because assholes can never hold themselves accountable for shit.
It's kind of debilitating to realize that this is the type of thing I used to put up with in the past. I’d numbed myself down so much to the point that I was willing to settle for that dumb shit from a subpar human male.
I could wallow in regret and self-pity, beat myself up for not leaving sooner, and a whole host of things which I half expected. But that was before the intrusion of one Julius Blair. Instead of plotting my grand revenge, I spent the last couple of hours dwelling on him, which is something I hadn’t done in years and never expected to again.
Dale had been a good distraction and a placeholder, if you will. Something I knew from the start but never saw fit to tell him. He knew he wasn’t the love of my life; at least, I was honest enough about that. But he filled a void for a time. The fact that I wasn’t in love with him was neither here nor there; if he wanted out, he was free to do so at any time.
Instead, he chose to cheat on me after pleading his undying love for yours truly and promising that he would make me love him as much as he loved me. He never knew that there was someone else living in my heart; why would I tell him that? But at least we were honest with each other; at least I thought we were.
He was in love and was working hard to win me over. I’d made up my mind that even though I bore him no great love, I didn’t exactly hate the thought of spending my life with him. For me, it was simple. If I couldn’t have the one I wanted, there was no use holding out hope for that to change.
Dale was the best choice out of all the others who had tried. I respected him as a person and thought he did the same. I was always upfront with him about the fact that I admired him, but wasn’t in love with him the way he claimed to be with me.
I won’t lie; we’d had some good times, and not once did I ever think of cheating on him. I would’ve settled and was well on my way to doing just that, having committed to the relationship and the life I thought we were building together.
Though there was no great passion between us, I had committed to the relationship, championed his every move, and cheered his every victory along with him. I think I had even gone above and beyond to compensate for the fact that I couldn’t and didn’t love him the way he claimed to love me.
It's not like I woke up every day and looked at him and said, ‘Hey, I don’t love you, just so you remember.’ No, though my heart was broken and carefully locked away for safekeeping, I had given him all that I had, which was plenty if you ask me. In fact, there were times when I was genuinely happy and content, and so was he, or so it seemed.
Not once did he ever let on that he was no longer satisfied, and I had made peace with the fact that I would never have the great love my parents and sister had with their partners. I convinced myself that I could live without the wild, crazy passion they had in their lives and make do with what I had.
I’d long locked away that part of me that had been so brutally shattered when Julius turned me away that last time. My heart was safe from harm, and though I didn’t love him with a deep passion, there was enough there for us to build on. I know now that I had been lying to myself.
The relief I felt when I found out about the affair was proof of that. But it started long before the revelations came. From the moment he started talking about the new girl at the office, I knew something was up. I didn’t let on; I just sat quietly and listened to him talk, day in and day out.
There was a point where I even expected him to tell me that he wanted to call it quits to pursue her. I’d been honest with him always, after all, and expected the same from him, but that conversation never came.