Total pages in book: 52
Estimated words: 49178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 246(@200wpm)___ 197(@250wpm)___ 164(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 49178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 246(@200wpm)___ 197(@250wpm)___ 164(@300wpm)
No use.
It was happening again. Sam was going to run. He was going to leave me behind. At least this time I hadn’t fallen hard on my ass. Could that be considered growth?
Everything was going so well. Why, Sam? Why not just give in?
My heart turned into one of those pincushions Ma would use whenever she was sewing. The fluffy, bright red strawberry covered in dozens of sharp needles. Every beat pushed the pins in deeper. How could loving someone be this painful? Because there was no denying it, I loved Sam. I always loved Sam, and now I’d have to watch Sam leave.
All.
Over.
Again.
Wait… why was Sam coming closer? The pasture was on the other side of the driveway. If he was waiting for a ride, he should be walking the opposite direction.
Shit. Crap. Donkey dick. He was going to see me crying.
I turned away and made myself extremely interested in whatever Dennis seemed to be rooting around for. Was he coming to say goodbye? Was he trying to make this moment as difficult as possible? I’d broken in horses from abusive situations that had better sense of what was right and wrong. Why couldn’t he just vanish into the night and never be heard from again? Would that make this easier?Probably not. But then again, what fucking would? If he wanted to leave, then that’s what he had to do.
Go. Just go, Sam.
“Benny…”
His somber voice cut through the air. Sounded like a distant cousin coming up from behind me at my parents’ funeral, wishing to pay respects but not knowing exactly how.
I didn’t turn around. I was sure that my eyes were still glossy from the tears. Juniper must have sensed something was up, because she gave a huff and walked away—but not far, and still kept me in her line of sight. “Weren’t you supposed to be leaving?”
“I am… I was.” A hand on my elbow made me jump. I moved forward and turned around. Sam looked like he’d just touched an oven. He held his hand against his chest as if it were burnt.
“Don’t touch me,” I said in a low voice, my gaze breaking for the ground. “I don’t want you to touch me right now.” I parroted the same words he had said to me. They were empty on my end, but they seemed to have hit hard with Sam. His big blue eyes opened wide, his lips following the same shape as he tried searching for words.
“That’s not… I didn’t mean… Fuck, Benny. Fuck.” Sam let go of his suitcase and rubbed his face. The suitcase tipped over and fell on its side with a heavy thump. Sam didn’t make a move to pick it up. “I regret ever saying that. I do. I was wrong. I’d always been wrong. Pushing you away was wrong. And I’ve known the right answer all this time, I just refused to see it. I was too scared because then it’d mean I have to accept a part of myself that used to scare me.”
I crossed my arms, absorbing every word he said, even though a veil of shock was making it a little difficult. He was speaking in the past tense. As if he’d changed his mind about us. Could that really be the case? This wasn’t some messed up joke, or a sick fever dream?
I decided to test it. “What did we do for my thirteenth birthday?”
Sam paused, cocked his head. Ha. If he didn’t know the answer, then I’d have to assume this was either a dream— or reality had been by some kind of romance-loving alien that took over Sam’s body.
“We had our first solo camping trip. Felt like adults until I saw a massive, hairy-ass spider in my sleeping bag and refused to stay.”
“Good thing the walk back to the ranch was only five minutes.”
“Then we were in the living room having leftover cake and watching South Park on a low volume so your parents wouldn’t hear.”
I laughed at that warm memory. “You know, it’s the small spiders you should worry about, right? Their venom has to be strong to kill the bigger prey.”
“Yeah, well… spiders big enough to hold guns also scare the shit out of me.”
That got a deep belly laugh from me, which surprised me. I hadn’t expected this goodbye to turn into a laugh-fest.
Sam cocked his head. “Why are you asking about your thirteenth birthday?”
“Because you sound like an android. Wanted to make sure you were really you.”
Sam narrowed his eyes. It was his turn to laugh. “You’ve been watching too many sci-fi shows. I’m definitely real. And everything I’m saying, everything I’m feeling, that’s also real.”
“What are you feeling?” I ventured, still unsure of where this conversation was truly headed. I felt like I was wrangling cattle, my lasso circling above my head as I lined up my throw.