Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 93948 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 470(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 313(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93948 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 470(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 313(@300wpm)
We both have.
That should mean the spark that flared to life between us as teenagers, meeting in secret and dreaming of a life spent together, is gone. We’re not the same people we were fourteen years ago. I don’t even recognize that naive child any longer, for all that I was forced to grow up fast to stay alive. The truth is that trauma is no substitute for actual life lived. Some lessons can only be taught through decades.
Obviously I haven’t learned my lesson when it comes to this man, though. Not if I still feel the tug under my ribs whenever I look at him. “What?”
Once he’s sure he has my full attention, he quietly says, “You know that every time you burn out magically, you risk it being the last. And even if it’s not, you risk permanently diminishing your magical reserves.”
Guilt lashes me, so fierce that it steals my breath. I worried him, which means I worried everyone. “I’m aware.” It’s still worth the cost. My crew are fucking exhausted, and there doesn’t promise to be relief on the horizon. We made a clean getaway from Morrigan, but it took too long for me to remember the desk. At any moment, we could be running for our lives again. Better that I be laid out, risking my deep reserves, than one of them experience the same thing.
“Your crew needs you. We need you.” He leans forward suddenly, not near enough to touch, not by a long shot, but close enough that it would take little effort to mirror his movements, to bring our faces close, to…
I shake my head—and then immediately regret the motion when my headache blooms in response. “I. Am. Aware.” I shove to my feet, only wobbling a little. “I don’t need a lecture from you, Bastian. I’ll talk to the crew and apologize for worrying them, but I don’t answer to you. Not anymore.”
“Nox.”
I stop in the process of turning to the door and look down at him. “What?” It’s absolutely absurd that he can still hurt me with just a look in his deep brown eyes. I’m not the ignorant little fool I was when I followed him around with hearts in my eyes, dreaming of a future together. I’ve suffered in the time since, have sacrificed so much in order to do even a little good, have learned so many more important lessons at more ruthless hands than his.
For a horrible moment, I think he’s going to apologize again, that we’re going to go round and round and round and never escape the cycle of hurt and anger. Instead, he surprises me by saying, “You’re not alone. You weren’t even before Siobhan and I came aboard. You don’t have to be the one to shoulder it all. I know you care about your people and want to protect them, but hurting yourself hurts them.”
His words steal mine away. I can do nothing but stare at him until the door opens behind me. I feel Siobhan there, and a part of me hates that I can tell the difference between her and the others in my crew even without looking.
She shuts the door firmly. “You started without me.”
“We were just wrapping up.” Bastian sounds just as tired as I feel, and why not? He doesn’t look like he got much sleep last night, and he certainly wasn’t well rested while under Morrigan’s tender care.
I turn to Siobhan, but looking at her isn’t any easier than looking at Bastian. She’s so close that I can feel the warmth radiating from her strong body, that I have to crane my head back to meet her honey gaze, that my mind skips right to other activities we could be doing with a little less space between us.
It’s a testament to my shakiness that I’m thinking about kissing instead of the dozens of other more pressing issues. I take a careful step back. “I got my lecture, thank you very much. I’ll be a good captain in the future and not scare you poor folks.”
Her lips thin with displeasure. “Don’t patronize me.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, darling.” I have no real defense against these two, so I lean hard on the mask that protects me—or at least has historically. The rakish captain, humor and flirtation as a wall no one can climb to get to the real me. I’m just…not so certain it will do the trick now.
Sure enough, Siobhan doesn’t move from where she blocks my exit. “We have perhaps a day’s lead on Morrigan, and that won’t hold indefinitely. Eventually even your crew will tire.”
I thought as much earlier, but I can’t help bristling at the implication that I would ever put my crew in unnecessary danger. “I’m aware. Which is why I already spoke with Poet about how to structure the shifts to keep everyone safe. You let me worry about my crew.” I jerk a thumb over my shoulder. “Or are you ready to chase a wild hare like Bastian here, and want me to sail to Lyari to blow a damn horn?”