Total pages in book: 69
Estimated words: 63842 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 319(@200wpm)___ 255(@250wpm)___ 213(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 63842 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 319(@200wpm)___ 255(@250wpm)___ 213(@300wpm)
I read the letter twice. My hands trembled so badly the paper shook. My breathing went shallow. I sat down on the edge of my bed and pressed the letter flat against my thighs with both palms and stared at the wall until I felt more in control. Then I went to find Ada. And I really needed to see Rip, which was part of the problem because he didn’t need to be too entwined in my mess. But when I thought about having to face Eric, I knew I couldn’t do it without Rip.
I found Ada in her office with the door open, the way she usually kept it during morning hours. She sat at her desk with her laptop open. She looked up when I appeared in the doorway and smiled. I held out the crumpled letter.
She took it, read it, and set it on the desk in front of her. “Come sit down, Jade.”
I sat in the chair across from her. “I knew this was coming. I knew it logically.”
“Knowing and feeling aren’t the same thing,” Ada said.
“No.” I pressed my thumbnail into my palm. “They’re really not.” We sat quietly for a moment. “Can I say something that might be hard to hear?” I asked.
“That’s usually the most useful kind of thing to say.”
“I think I have feelings for Rip.” The words landed in the room, and I felt immediately exposed. “And I don’t trust myself. Because I thought I had feelings for Eric, too. And that particular feeling turned into three years of hell.” I looked at my hands. “How am I supposed to know the difference? What if I’m just doing the same thing? Latching onto whoever makes me feel safe?”
Ada didn’t answer immediately. She turned her coffee mug in a slow circle on the desk in front of her. “What did Eric tell you when you were good together?” she asked.
I thought about it. “What I wanted to hear. That I was smart. That I was different from other women. That he saw something in me other people missed.”
“And what does Rip tell you?”
I opened my mouth and closed it again. I thought about the garden. About the self-defense class. About the kitchen at 5 a.m. “Things I didn’t ask to hear. That my body was protecting me. That barely surviving counts. That fear is a leash.” I paused. “He told me to stay when I panicked in the courtyard and then sat ten feet away and didn’t touch me until I could breathe again.” I looked up at Ada. “Eric always came in close when I panicked. He didn’t like the lack of control in me even when he knowingly caused my panic attacks.”
Ada nodded, unsurprised. “Eric told you what you wanted to hear because it served him. Rip tells you what you need to hear, even when it’s uncomfortable, because he’s not trying to manage you or control you.” She paused. “That’s not a small difference.”
I knew she was right. I’d known it before I’d walked in here, maybe. Sometimes you need someone to say the thing out loud before you’re allowed to believe it. “I’m still scared,” I said.
“That’s appropriate,” Ada said. “You just met Rip.”
She slid the court notice across the desk toward me. I took it, folded it along its original crease, and put it in my back jeans pocket.
“Thanks, Ada.”
She smiled up at me. “You’re not alone with this, Jade. We’ve all got your back. Rip’s a good guy. Knuckles wouldn’t let him in otherwise, and I certainly wouldn’t let him anywhere near this place.”
After I left Ada, I found Rip in the security office, the door open, his back half-turned toward the monitors while he went through something on his tablet.
“Ready to go?” He turned toward me with a smile. The second he got a look at my face, his features hardened. “What’s happened, Jade?”
I pulled the folded notice out of my pocket and held it up with trembling hands.
He reached for it carefully, never taking his eyes from me. Then he glanced down and scanned the document and his face softened. “Baby.”
“Will you come with me?” I asked. “To court?” My voice came out steadier than I expected. Steadier than it had any right to be.
Rip set the tablet down on the desk beside him along with the letter. He looked at me for one long, direct moment. “Absolutely I’ll go with you.”
I let out a breath I’d been holding. I picked up the letter and folded it before putting it back in my pocket.
“OK,” I said. “Thank you.”
“Now.” He stood and reached out for my hand. “Let’s go chase the sun for a few hours on the bike. Yeah?”
I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Relief flooded me, and I almost sagged in reaction. My throat tightened, and I did my best to fight off tears as I smiled up at him.