Total pages in book: 168
Estimated words: 159420 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 797(@200wpm)___ 638(@250wpm)___ 531(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 159420 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 797(@200wpm)___ 638(@250wpm)___ 531(@300wpm)
His jaw moves back and forth, his wide chest jerking, but he dips his head in a nod.
I breathe out a small sigh of relief and wrap my arms around myself. “Now, do whatever it is you came here to do and leave.”
His eyes circle over my features, my body, as if he doesn’t want to stop watching me. As if he hasn’t seen me in ages instead of only a couple of days. And as much as I hate him looking at me like that, I can’t bring myself to find fault in it because I understand. I understand how those two days of not seeing me may have affected him when he needs to watch me every second of every day. When I feel the same way about him. When I can’t stop watching him in this moment either.
“I’ve been focusin’ on the wrong thing,” he says finally, bringing his eyes back up to mine. “Been focusin’ on all I did wrong since I saw you. Draggin’ you into my shit, stealin’ you, not once but twice. Puttin’ you in harm’s way, punishin’ you for things that aren’t your fault. When that ain’t the problem. It’s me. I’m the problem.” He shifts on his feet, his hands curled into fists, his gaze direct as he continues, “You were right when you said I live in the past. I do. I’ve been livin’ in that burnin’ car for the last sixteen years. Been wakin’ up in it, goin’ to sleep in it. Breathin’ in its fumes, feelin’ its fire. Every single day since my parents died, I’ve been tryna bring ’em back, been tryna save them in my head. Over and over. And when I can’t, I spend my time thinkin’ about avenging them, wreakin’ havoc. On the outside, I go to work; I look after the ranch; I live with my family. People are afraid of me, of my scars, yes, but they think I’m alive. I’m livin’ but I’m not. I’m dead. My heart don’t beat right. I’ve got no hopes or dreams. No wishes, nothin’ to root for, nothin’ to look forward to. There’s more anger in my veins than blood, more violence in my body than bone and muscle. Everythin’ I do and everythin’ I’ve done has been colored by it, by what happened that day, by the past. Even you.”
I wince, my nails digging into my waist, my arms hugging me so tight that I can barely breathe. But I know if I let myself go, I’ll fall apart. I’ll fall to pieces. As always, I’ll run to him and tell him to stop, to not go. Tell him to take me. I’ll go wherever he wants and he doesn’t have to love me back. I’ll love him enough for both of us. But love doesn’t work that way. It’s selfless, yes, but for it to live, it takes two hearts. Two roped hearts and two braided souls.
And I deserve that. He deserves it too.
So I stand rooted to my spot and watch him go through this pain. Watch the raw emotion flash through not only his face but also his body, all on display without his Stetson to hide behind. As if he’s the one onstage now and I’m watching.
“It didn’t start the day I took you or found out who you were,” he continues, his eyes locked with mine. “It started way before. Started the day I saw you for the first time. I looked at you and I couldn’t stop watchin’ you. Couldn’t take my eyes off of you. For months, I followed you around, watched you through the distance, through the dark, through windows, through the crowd; put a camera in your room even. Always close but not close enough where you could see me, see my face. And I did that because I thought if you ever saw me, saw the scar on my face, you’d want nothin’ to do with me. Not a girl like you, so pretty and young, so full of life. And then I found out who you were…”
He shakes his head, his eyes shimmering. “It felt like all my dreams, the ones I didn’t even have, didn’t even remember seein’, shattered. And I kept thinkin’ it was because of who your daddy was, and how there’s no fuckin’ way I’d ever betray my family by fallin’ for the Turner Princess but it wasn’t that. I realize that now. It was me. The fact that I’d become this monster after what happened. A monster after your family’s blood. That needs violence and anger to live, that wants to destroy your family so bad that he doesn’t know how to live. Didn’t think if you found that out there was any way you’d wanna be with me. So I made you see who I was so you’d stay away. I made it so that my scar became the least scary thing about me. You didn’t, though. Stay away from me. ’Cause you’re brave. Braver than I ever could be.”