Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 116597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 583(@200wpm)___ 466(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 583(@200wpm)___ 466(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
“Will you talk to me now?” Carter asked, his voice soft.
“What do you want me to say?”
“How about anything other than, ‘I’m fine.’”
I let out a long sigh, staring up at the blue sky above us, at the white, puffy clouds floating by. A big part of me bucked like a bull. I felt the familiar resistance like a hand over my mouth preventing me from saying a word.
But there was a softer side to me that had suddenly grown teeth.
I heard her banging on my rib cage, felt her nails digging in as she attempted to scratch her way out.
For reasons I couldn’t name and was too tired to try to figure out… I wanted to let Carter in.
“My mother has been on my ass about my sister’s wedding,” I said almost mechanically. It was like my body didn’t know how to act now that I was choosing to speak to someone other than Maven. “During the game last week, she called me and said in not so many words that it would probably be better if I didn’t show, since I’m not around much anymore and it might make people feel awkward.” I paused, laughing a little. “And that I’d be alone, which would add to the discomfort.”
“What the fuck?”
I smiled wider. “Oh, yes. My mother is a real gem.”
“Why would she say that?”
“Because it’s true,” I said. “I am alone. Of course, she leaves out the part that she’s one of the reasons I prefer it this way.”
I swallowed the longer Carter stared at me. I could feel the more dominant side of me straining for the wheel, could sense the need burning through me to steer the conversation back to something safe.
“Anyway, she called me again the other night,” I said, stomach tightening at the memory. “She was going on and on about how they needed to finalize bridesmaid dresses, and I needed to make up my mind. She wants me to commit one way or the other, and honestly, I can’t blame her for being upset that I’m taking so long. I can blame her for a lot of things, but not that. I should have made up my mind by now… but I feel frozen.”
Carter was quiet for a moment, both of us just using our paddles to straighten out our boards and then let the river take us.
“What happened with your mom?”
I shook my head, and in a panic, the softer side of me that had been trying to get out vanished. It was like the jerk of a car that was on track for an exit before getting yanked back on the highway. “Sorry, not ready to go there.”
“Okay. Then… how about your sister? What’s your relationship like with her?”
I blew out a breath. Lacey was safer territory, at least. “Complicated,” I answered honestly. “I love Lacey. We were super close when we were younger, always sharing each other’s clothes, playing in the yard, curling up in bed to read together at night.” I smiled, the memory so far in my past it made my chest ache now. “She was always our parents’ favorite. I know they’re not supposed to have a favorite, but they did. We both knew it. Lacey was just more of what they wanted in a daughter. She was effortlessly poised, smart, beautiful.”
“You are every single one of those things,” Carter argued.
I pinned him with a look. “She’s also docile, and agreeable, and happy to follow whatever path my parents lay out for her.”
“Ah,” Carter said in way of understanding. “I see the difference now.”
I nodded. “It wasn’t so bad when we were younger, because we had each other, so I didn’t much care if Mom and Dad had a favorite. I was Lacey’s favorite.” I smiled. “She used to always want me to do her hair just like mine, used to ask me about boys and fashion.” I paused. “But things changed in high school, right before I was set to graduate.”
“How so?” Carter asked when I didn’t automatically elaborate.
I shook my head. “I just went through something she couldn’t understand, and it changed me in a way that complicated everything in my life — including my relationship with her.”
To his credit, Carter didn’t press on what the thing was that had happened to me. Maybe he already knew it was an off-limits topic.
“Anyway, we kind of grew apart when I graduated. I went one way; she went the other. We talk sometimes on the phone, text each other, send silly memes on Instagram, but…” I shrugged. “There’s not much there anymore.”
Carter nodded his understanding, and a comfortable quiet fell over us as we flowed into a narrower strip of the river. We both picked up our paddles to steer again.
“So, you don’t want to go?” he asked after a moment.