Total pages in book: 96
Estimated words: 95019 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 475(@200wpm)___ 380(@250wpm)___ 317(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95019 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 475(@200wpm)___ 380(@250wpm)___ 317(@300wpm)
“Don’t play with your brother. I know you better than anyone.”
“I told you Ryan got hurt today.”
His glare intensifies. “Yeah, you’re real worried about your linebacker boyfriend’s boo-boo on his thumb. I’m sure.”
Fuck, I’m not getting out of this one.
“He’s not a linebacker anymore.” I’m trying to deflect, but Aiden isn’t having it.
“Well, let me know how that bottling it all up and letting it eat you alive is working for you.”
He can’t realize, but that really strikes a nerve since I know it’s what Ryan’s doing, and it definitely isn’t working for him.
“This have anything to do with his parents getting a divorce?” he presses.
I take a breath. “He got some more news from his mom.” I leave it at that. Even though I don’t feel like Ryan would be upset about my sharing this with my bro, I don’t feel it’s my news to share. “It was a lot, and it’s catching up with him how much things are gonna change for his family. And he has all this other stuff going on too. He’s not playing football anymore, which used to be how he worked out stress. That path was pretty set for him, and he’s like…what does the future look like? On top of that, we aren’t seeing all our friends, and our lives are changing completely.” Just saying it makes my anxiety flare up, twisting in my chest.
“Sounds tough,” Aiden says, and he’s not being jokey or playful—a rare thing for him. “I get it since I’m feeling similarly about high school. I’m gonna be heading off to Peach State next year, and everything will be changing from here on.”
“Yeah…and I keep trying to think of a way to reach him, to help him, but I can’t think of anything right to say, or what to do to make this better. Like…it’s not the kind of thing you can make better.”
“Trust me, I know what that’s like too.”
My chest constricts even more. I wasn’t considering what I was saying, and given Aiden’s sorrowful expression, I know he’s thinking about the other thing I couldn’t change. That no one could change after his accident.
“I’m so sorry.” Tears stir in my eyes. Because like I told Ryan, deep down I feel this is something I’ve done to him.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Mart.”
I try to keep it down like I always do, but the stress of everything that’s happening, my worry about Ryan, makes it bubble to the surface. “I should have been there.”
His forehead creases. “It’s just a shitty thing that happened.” He says it so matter-of-factly, like it’s never even crossed his mind.
“I would have made sure you didn’t get on that ATV.” As soon as I get the words out, I fucking lose it. The tears break free, rolling down my cheeks.
It’s all too much. My powerlessness against what’s going on with Ryan has prodded something so dark within me, this guilt I carry over the past. “I’m so sorry,” I blurt out, my words barely audible with how much my voice cracks as I bow my head to keep him from seeing his big bro crumbling like this.
I don’t know how I’m expecting him to respond, but suddenly, his hand is on my shoulder. “Hey, you,” he says, the way Dad used to whenever we would get worked up like this, and it pulls me out of my dark thoughts long enough to look his way.
I’m expecting to see judgment, to see this side that’s always blamed me, that maybe that’s why he hasn’t spent as much time with me this past year, but his expression is soft, sympathetic.
“It took me a long time not to blame myself even,” he says. “But we were kids. Plenty of kids do dangerous things, and nothing ever happens to them. Everything that’s happened to me has made me realize how deeply unfair life is…and you know what? It is unfair, and I don’t give a fuck that it’s unfair because that’s not gonna keep me from doing all the things I want to do. It’s changed things for me, but as you can see, I’m perfectly capable of living a fulfilling, meaningful life. Just different than we thought it would be.”
I snicker uneasily. “That’s the Aideniest thing you could have said.”
His lips curl into his dimples. “I don’t blame myself for an accident. I don’t blame our cousins. So I sure as hell don’t blame you.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not gonna magically shake away the guilt anytime soon.”
“I can’t do much about that in a quick chat, but I know what I can do.”
I can’t tell where he’s going with that.
“Do you remember after the accident? When I finally got back from the hospital, you, Mom, and Dad were all over me. Taking care of whatever I needed. Getting me to specialists and helping me get around town. You were basically my personal servant for a while there, and I needed it because I was in such a dark headspace. Wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that this could be my forever.”