Total pages in book: 117
Estimated words: 114492 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 572(@200wpm)___ 458(@250wpm)___ 382(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 114492 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 572(@200wpm)___ 458(@250wpm)___ 382(@300wpm)
“And yet now I’m telling you,” I write. “Why? Honestly, I don’t fucking know.”
I have to stop typing for another minute. I’m too emotional. Why the hell am I baring my obviously pathetic soul to Josh like this? Is getting his stupid application really this frickin’ important to me?
No, it’s not. I don’t care about his application right now. Writing this to Josh isn’t about me getting his stupid application anymore. This is about something much bigger than that.
I wipe my eyes again. I’m veering way off track here. Have I even answered this particular question yet? I’m not sure. I re-read the question at the top of the page again. Oh yes.
“So that’s pretty much the story of my ex-boyfriends,” I write. “Besides those three guys, I’ve dated plenty of guys for a few months here or there and had sex with a truckload besides that, as I’ve mentioned, but no one serious enough to bring home.”
I glance up at the question I’m supposedly answering again. Oh, yes. Okay.
“As far as blood tests,” I write, “I’ll submit to any kind of testing you require (as long as it doesn’t involve math). But in the interest of saving time, let me just tell you what the testing would reveal: I’m clean. About two months ago, when I went in to get a new prescription of birth control pills, I got tested. And even though I’m on the pill, I insist on condoms every single time I have sex, no exceptions, unless I’m in a committed relationship and the guy’s been tested. (But, hey, like I say, if you require formal medical testing before my application can be approved, then I’ll sign or do whatever you request.)”
Sexual orientation? Please choose from the following options: Straight, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, other?
“Straight. But in the interest of full disclosure, I should inform you I made out with a girl during my senior year in college. It’s a long story that can be summarized as follows: Truth or Dare combined with Ecstasy combined with a pervy boyfriend (hers) can lead a girl to do anything once. I can honestly say the experience didn’t cause me to question my sexual orientation whatsoever. In fact, it wasn’t nearly as hot as it sounds, I’m sorry to say. But, regardless, I’m definitely straight.”
Do any of your sexual fantasies include violence of any nature? If so, please describe in detail.
I sit and think. Well, jeez. I have lots and lots of fantasies, for sure, some of them pretty darn elaborate, but do any of them involve actual violence? No.
I place my hands on the keyboard and begin typing. “I have lots and lots of fantasies—it’s kind of a thing with me,” I write. “And not a single one of them involves actual violence. However, a couple of my fantasies involve the threat of violence, but only as a backdrop to setting the scene. For instance, I’ve got a bodyguard fantasy that only makes sense if there are bad guys coming to get me, or else why the heck do I have a bodyguard? (And to answer the question that’s just popped into your head, no, I didn’t have sex with any of the bodyguards Jonas hired to protect me from The Club.)”
I smirk to myself. Sure, I almost had sex with Derek the Bodyguard, but Josh doesn’t need to know that.
I begin typing again.
“The threat of violence is also prevalent in another one of my fantasies, one in which I’m held captive by a sex-slave-master. The sex-slave master absconds with me one night and forces me to be his slave, but he never actually hurts me. And, also, in regards to violence, a second sex-slave-master comes to steal me away from the first, but my original captor fights the other bad guy to the death and protects me (which kinda turns this scenario into yet another bodyguard fantasy, doesn’t it?).”
I stare at my screen. Holy What the Fuck Am I Doing, Batman? I can’t write all this shit to Josh. He’s gonna think I’m a freaking loon, which I am. I’ve never told anyone about the elaborate, imaginary pornos bouncing around in my head. What if Josh reads all this and decides I’m too much of a freak? Or worse, that, based on this stuff, we’re not sexually compatible? That would be pretty soul crushing.
I let my fingers hover over my keyboard again, trying to decide what to do.
Fuck it. Better to be completely honest and get rejected for who I really am than to hide myself and make him like me. Like my new favorite singer, Audra Mae, said in her powerful song, better to be The Real Thing, for better or worse.
Are you a current practitioner of BDSM and/or does BDSM interest you? If so, describe in explicit detail.