Total pages in book: 159
Estimated words: 149301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 149301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
The man cleared his throat and focused on the snake. “Sir, I’m just doing my job. Now, I need to go around and—”
“Hey, do you know how fast an M134 Minigun can shoot?”
“…Are you, are you threatening me, Mr. Wilde?” The man’s brows furrowed, and he tilted his head forward, ready to go as if he were a viable opponent.
“Tootsie Pop, I just asked you a question ’bout one of my favorite little toy guns.” Kage smirked. “Ain’t nobody makin’ a threat against you. I’m just brainstormin’ is all.” He leaned in close, forcing the man to take an unsteady step back. “You know what? The look in your eye tells me somethin’. You smell like your palm has been greased, and your ass has been bought and paid for, like a two dollar hooker. Ohhhh, yes. Now it makes sense!” Kage chuckled. “That Santa Claus lookin’ fucker better known as my grandfather sent you here, didn’t he? He’s stirring the pot. Ol’ Cyrus the demon…Yeah… it was him…”
“Cyrus? Uh, I don’t know who you’re talking about. We actually—”
“Don’t lie to me. I could tell you were gettin’ ready to spin a tale, so let me stop you early. Save you the embarrassment. I know a liar when I see one. Averting eye contact. Shruggin’ your limp, girly shoulders. I fuckin’ hate liars. You’re a coward, and not even man enough to admit the truth now that I’ve called you on it. You’d think with that big ass crystal ball head of yours, you could’ve predicted this response from me.”
The man’s eyes grew large and liquid.
“Regardless of what you believe, Mr. Wilde, your property is due to be surveyed.” He boldly met his glare.
“And you’re due for an ass kickin’. That man you claim to not know told y’all to come by and cause trouble, but did he also tell you I spent quite a bit of time in the funny farm for tryna kill him?” The man took a sharp breath. “Or about the time I attended his big time gala, the annual Wilde Christmas party, and set every mothafuckin’ tree, wreath and stocking in that house on fire? Hell, what am I talking about? You probably were there, seeing as how you’re the Elf on the Shelf! Anyway, I was just a kid… imagine the shit I could get into now.” The man’s complexion went white. “Relax, Peter Dinklage. I ain’t gonna bother you. Too many folks know that you’re here…”
“I don’t like the direction this conversation is going in, Mr. Wilde.”
“And I don’t like you, but here you still stand anyway. All five inches of ya. Like I said, I ain’t gonna hurt cha. I mean, it would be unfair… Look at me, and look at you.” He smirked. “Hell, I could just blow on you and that alone would make your tiny tater-tot petite ass fly all the way over to England.”
The bastard mumbled something under his breath.
“Puffin’ your chest out like some lil’ kid refusing to respect his bedtime.” Kage imitated him, sticking his chest out and making a menacing expression before falling into a fit of laughter. Then, he suddenly stopped. “Get the fuck off my land before I change my mind about leavin’ you be.” Kage took a step back, his eye still on the fool, then snatched the blood splattered hoe from the ground. “You’re on private property. Next time, I might mistake you for a prowler and do you like I’d done this snake when you pulled up.”
“Mr. Wilde, that’s it. The final straw. Now, I know that you’re upset, but you can’t speak to me any way you please, and I don’t care that I’m shorter and smaller than you. I’m still a man, and expect to be treated with respect! As a city employee, we take physical threats very seriously.”
“Don’t you part your lying pussy lips to talk to me about respect. You came to me under false pretenses! Nothin’ about this is legit, Pinocchio, and I’m glad that you’re taking this seriously, because I need you take the beating you’re about to get if you don’t shut the fuck up and leave, seriously, too, motherfucker.”
“You are taking your anger out on the wrong person!” He waved his little clipboard around. “I have—”
“…the vocal cords of a chihuahua. Your voice is so annoying.” He winced. “I know I ain’t the only person to tell you that. You sound like a turtle when you fuck your ol’ lady, don’t you?” He chuckled. “You ever heard a turtle fuck before, dingleberry?” The man sighed, then huffed. “Huh? I asked you a question, you lopsided walnut-headed son of a bitch. Still no answer? It’s hilarious. About as funny as when your mama gave birth to you, but when you came out, she thought she shit herself. Shoulda named you Turtle B.M. the Third. No, Turtle B.M., the Turd!” Kage laughed his ass off.