Total pages in book: 141
Estimated words: 132657 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 663(@200wpm)___ 531(@250wpm)___ 442(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 132657 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 663(@200wpm)___ 531(@250wpm)___ 442(@300wpm)
“You wanted him to pick you? Instead of going with Jensen to the hospital?”
“Of course not. I don’t want him to have to choose. Jensen is the only family he has left, and I can’t take him away. No matter how pissed I am at Jensen.”
“You aren’t pissed at Jensen,” Ruby argued. “Look, your mom and sister and cousin are all treating you with kid gloves, but I’m your friend.”
Oh, was this about to go bad? She wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like Ruby was close to either guy. “What are you trying to say?”
“I don’t think you’re letting yourself feel what you actually feel. You ran on pure adrenaline this afternoon, and it felt way better than realizing Jensen made the same mistake again. You aren’t angry at Jensen.”
She nodded because this was something she would wholly admit to. “Jensen is being Jensen. I’m the one who should have known. I should have known when he slept with us last night. I thought he was all in, but he was saying good-bye, and I stupidly didn’t see it.”
Ruby groaned. “That’s not what I’m talking about either. Look, I know you’re mad. I know you want to blame yourself because you, bestie, are a control freak, and if you are the one at fault then you can make sure it won’t happen again. If it’s all your fault, then there’s no need to talk to either of them. You don’t have to open yourself to them because it was your fault, and you certainly can’t trust yourself to not make poor choices. But Harlow, it’s not a poor choice to love someone. Even if it all goes bad. Do you have any idea what I would give to have the love you’ve been given? And I think that’s part of the problem.”
Ruby was shaking her walls a little. She wasn’t wrong. Her best friend had pretty much summed up her thought process, but she was still confused. She wasn’t mad at Ruby. Ruby loved her and was trying to help her. Harlow just wasn’t sure how. “What do you mean? Say it because this is starting to feel like a therapy session, and don’t think my mom hasn’t already begged me to let her make an appointment for me.”
Ruby sat back as a light rain started, gently falling on the windshield and making the rest of the world seem gauzy. “You know about my mom, right?”
Ruby’s mom had been distant, from what she understood. She’d loved her, but after Ruby’s dad had walked, she’d shut down. She gave Ruby the necessities. Roof over her head, food on the table, what she needed for school. But Sonja Lockwood’s real comfort was alcohol, and she got mean when she drank. Which was most of the time. “Yes. I know you’re still not close.”
Ruby sighed, a weary sound. “Not close. She moved to Houston, and I only found out when my Christmas card was returned. I don’t know what I would have done without Vanessa Malone. I don’t think I would have gone to college. I often tell the universe thank you for sending me into her sister’s house the night we met. But that’s ancient history. What I’m trying to say is I worry that because you’ve never had a family member flake on you, you’re being harder on yourself and them than you should be.”
“Because my parents love me?”
“Because love feels like something that should be easy.”
She was forgetting a few things. “I assure you being Chase Dawson’s daughter isn’t easy.”
“So you have to put up with a father who adores you so much he loses his head from time to time. I know it’s annoying. I’m not being sarcastic. It is annoying, but you’ve never questioned if he loved you. If you’re lovable at all. Not really. I mean we all do, but it can be harder when you have evidence to support that you aren’t,” Ruby explained.
Like a mom who told her she wrecked her life. Like a dad who walked out. “You’re saying I’m taking the love I’ve been given for granted?”
Ruby’s head shook. “I’m not saying that. I’m saying Jensen was the first time you truly got your heart broken, and I know how hard it was for you to trust him again. You were willing to risk everything for him.”
Her heart ached. “I was.”
“And the one thing he couldn’t risk was you,” Ruby pointed out.
“He didn’t ask me.”
“Because from what I can tell Jensen has rarely been in control of his life. Think about it, Harlow. He was parentified. He was poor. He had all of the responsibility and none of the control. Everything was on him, and he was a kid,” Ruby said. “I don’t love what he did to you, but I understand some of the forces that led him to make the decisions he did. When everything is on you, you learn to make decisions rapidly and without input. I know I did it until I was a teenager and met Vanessa and Michael and learned that family doesn’t have to share blood. I’m better now. I learned how to trust people. And before you say you can’t love without trust, I assure you I still love my mom and I know I can’t trust her. I know she doesn’t love me, but I…I guess I still hope she’ll show up one day.”