Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 94119 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 471(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 314(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94119 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 471(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 314(@300wpm)
“It’s understandable,” I assured. “You’ve been through so much.” Jesse blinked away tears, but a few escaped. I leaned over and kissed them away.
“It swallows me. The guilt of not being able to do what I’d dreamed for my mom and my sisters. So much that my doctor back home put me on meds for depression.”
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I said, voice stern. “A lot of people with cancer struggle with their mental health. We are constantly thinking and talking about dying, Jesse. That’s not an easy thing for anyone to cope with.”
Jesse nodded. “I think…” He paused. “I think today, seeing Matthew Banks—the guy I was talking to—it just hit me.”
“What did?”
“That my plan that I’ve had for so long won’t work. Even if we go into remission in this next phase, my body has been through a lot. Maybe too much to achieve those dreams.”
“Jesse,” I said, shifting so close we shared the same air. “I haven’t known your mama that long, but I can tell you, with one hundred percent certainty, that all she wants is for you to be happy. If that means still working to achieve your football goals, great. But if it doesn’t, I guarantee she would support that too.”
“I know,” Jesse said, body relaxing like he was releasing what looked like years’ worth of stress.
I leaned in and kissed him. I could taste salt on his lips from his tears. When I pulled back, I said, “I love you without expectation. I love you with all my heart because you are the sweetest, kindest boy I know.” I smiled. “You make me laugh and show me that life is more than I thought it was. I adore you. And I don’t care what you do with your life as long as I’m beside you.”
“You will be,” Jesse said, and I heard the truth of those words all the way down to my soul. “It’s you and me, Junebug. It’s you and me forever.” He kissed me again. “I love you. Please forgive me for pushing you away.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I said, and pulled my comforter over us both. We stared at one another until sleep began to pull us away.
And when Jesse fell asleep first, he seemed lighter somehow, but my heart felt the weight of all he had been holding. His father leaving had thrust him onto a path no child should have to travel. But I decided to make it my mission, for the rest of our lives, that I would be his reprieve when he put too many expectations on himself. I would be his gravity, grounding him, and I would be his sun, chasing away the dark clouds that would inevitably come.
I would be the girl who would cradle his heart until my very last breath—and even beyond.
CHAPTER 17
Jesse
“You ready for this next round?” Susan asked.
“That depends,” I said. “You got the sick buckets ready and waiting?”
“You know it,” she said, untying the tourniquet from around my bicep and placing my blood samples away for testing. Round two of immunotherapy began tomorrow. And I was as ready as I’d ever be. June had gone to see her parents in the parents’ residence while I got all my vitals checked and my blood taken. After our talk the other night, I felt better. I’d allowed myself to take some of the weight off and just be. That, and I’d arranged to start talking with Michelle, the on-site psychologist. It couldn’t hurt and it was probably long overdue.
“See you tomorrow, Susan,” I said, and left Susan’s office. I gritted my teeth at the ache in my legs and reminded myself to get more pain meds later if I wanted any chance at sleep tonight. In the past few weeks, my pain had stepped up a notch, but then I guessed that was a side effect of my cancer progressing.
June’s door was still closed, so I knew she wasn’t back yet. I had a few images circling my head that I wanted to sketch, and as I opened the door to my room and stepped through, I heard “SURPRISE!”
I jumped and my eyes widened at my teammates and the cheerleaders from McIntyre all standing before me, smiles on their faces. There must have been about thirty people in my room. My suite had been completely decked out in blue and white, with get-well posters and pictures of me and my friends.
“Wh-what?” I stuttered. “What are y’all doing here?”
Michaels, my best friend and teammate, stepped forward. “We’ve come to see you and wish you luck for the next round of treatment,” he said.
I noticed his smile dip a little as he looked me over. It made my stomach fall. “I know I look like shit,” I said, and Michaels snapped eyes up to me.