Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 86422 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 432(@200wpm)___ 346(@250wpm)___ 288(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86422 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 432(@200wpm)___ 346(@250wpm)___ 288(@300wpm)
And I’m angry all over again, at myself for falling, at the universe for taking away my mom when I need her the most. If she wasn’t gone, I would call her and tell her what happened. She would’ve offered to drive up from Niagara and take me wherever I wanted to go. She’d buy me things, take me to get my nails done, visit a gallery, and tell me that it would all work out, even if it wouldn’t.
But Lexi will let me cry on her shoulder and listen to all my fears. She’ll support me and love me and let me sort through all my feelings without making impossible promises.
And isn’t that another mindfuck? Knowing that mom would love me, but she’d sugarcoat the truth to make it more palatable. I still miss her and I still wish I could hear her voice and feel her arms wrapped around me.
Lexi answers on the first ring. “Hey, Big Pheels.”
A sob bubbles up.
“Fifi? Are you okay?”
“Not really.” I fight to get the words out before I break down. “Can I come over?”
“Of course you can. Do you need me to pick you up? Is it an emergency? Should Roman come?”
“N-no, it’s not an emergency. It’s boyfriend problems. I can take an Uber.”
“Let me pick you up.”
“What about Ariel?”
“Roman took her to Callie’s hockey practice. Send me your location and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Okay. Thanks, Lexi. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Fifi.”
Lexi pulls up in front of the café twenty minutes later. As soon as I’m in the passenger seat and the door is closed, she stretches across the center console and pulls me in for an awkward but comforting hug. And I burst into tears again.
“What happened with you and Mac?” Lexi asks once I have my emotions mostly under control and we’re on the way back to her place.
I explain how I stumbled on the application. “I’m not upset that he applied to programs abroad. I would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes. But I fell for him and now he might be leaving, and it feels unfair that I didn’t get to choose whether I could handle that before I went and handed him my heart.”
She nods, her expression soft and empathetic. “It’s a big deal that he’s applied for these programs overseas, and you’re right about wishing he’d been honest with you from the start.”
“I just feel like I’m spinning, you know? I had this idea of what the summer would look like with him and now it’s all up in the air. And then who knows what happens if he gets called up. What if all we have is this semester together?”
“There’s a lot happening in your heart and in your head.” Lexi holds my hand in hers, squeezing gently. “In your ideal world, what would this summer be for the two of you?”
“He’d be at the Hockey Academy and I’d have a job, maybe in a gallery or maybe teaching classes to kids, or something. But not six time zones away. What if he gets called up and has to move? What will happen then? What if I can’t deal with it? What if it’s all too much?”
Lexi pulls into the underground parking of their building and backs into her designated spot. “First, you’re putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself and this relationship. You don’t have to plan your whole future right now, Fee. You can just enjoy this relationship as it is and let it evolve naturally. We don’t know what this summer will look like, but the good news is that you have some connections with the Hockey Academy, and Roman has witnessed firsthand Mac’s potential, so panicking over this is a little preemptive. I fully understand how hard it is not to jump ahead and try to figure out the path you’re on. You’ve lost a lot, Fifi.”
“So have you,” I hiccup.
She nods. “Not as much as you. And not at a time in my life where I needed my parents the most. That kind of loss changes you. It makes sense that you would look for something stable and lasting. Mac is a great guy. He’s kind, thoughtful, and he seems like he’s just as invested in this relationship as you. I’m sure he realizes now that not telling you about the applications wasn’t the right move. Your hurt has a lot more layers, and so many of them come from what you’ve lost.”
“I’m scared. I really, really love him, Lexi,” I admit.
“I can see that.” She squeezes my hand. “Is this the first time you’ve been in love?”
I nod and rub my chest. “The physical ache just from the thought of him being so far away is terrifying.”
“These are new, big emotions, Fee. The idea of having someone so special just to lose them would be overwhelming. Especially for you.”